Late Night Thursday 10/16/08


The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

Both Barack Obama and John McCain were talking about this guy “Joe the plumber.” Here’s what’s sad about the Joe the plumber story: Last month, he was an investment banker.

Joe the plumber has been all over the place: “Good Morning America” . . . Fox News . . . This plumber has done more interviews than Sarah Palin since being chosen by John McCain.

John McCain has said that he wants to help this man. Here’s what he should do: Have him re-pipe all of McCain’s houses. That would be a job for life.

I just got the story from The New York Times on Joe the plumber: His name is not Joe; he’s not a licensed plumber; and he owes back taxes. So it sounds like he has the best plan for taxes — don’t pay them.

Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Messages Left On Joe The Plumber’s Answering Machine

10. “Hey, heard you mentioned in the debate. Now can you come over and get the hairball out of my drain?”
9. “Joe Six Pack calling; what are you trying to pull?”
8. “Sorry, wrong number. I was looking for Larry the Cable Guy”
7. “Dude — did you get to meet Fannie Mae?”
6. “This is Sarah Palin, do you consider yourself a maverick plumber?”
5. “You had a better night than Joe the Dodgers’ manager”
4. “This is Bob Schieffer. Hijack one of my debates again and I’ll bust your kneecaps with a pipe wrench”
3. “Joe, you gotta get a copy of this ‘Late Show Fun Facts’ book — it’s hilarious!”
2. “It’s Brian from the ‘Late Show,’ are you available tonight if McCain cancels?”
1. “It’s Madonna, are you seeing anybody?”

 

Late Show with David Letterman

“Joe the plumber” has become quite the celebrity. After the debate, he was rushed to Washington to unclog the valve on Dick Cheney.

Everyone has Joe the plumber fever. Even the Statue of Liberty was holding a plunger.

At one point during the debate, John McCain brought up Barack Obama’s relationship with ‘60s radical William Ayers. Then, Barack Obama brought up McCain’s relationship with John Brown at Harper’s Ferry.

Hillary Clinton was at the debate. And I thought, “Is it really a good idea to be leaving Bill at home alone?”

 

Late Night with Conan O’Brien

A full 67 percent of Americans say they’ve seen enough and they don’t want any more presidential debates. The other 33 percent are plumbers who want to hear their name on television.

By the way — John McCain mentioned ‘Joe the plumber’ during last night’s debate 21 times. Experts are already comparing it to the 2004 debate when President Bush wouldn’t shut up about Larry the Cable Guy.

More details coming out about Joe the plumber: For instance, his real name’s not Joe, and he’s not a licensed plumber. However, the McCain campaign insists that the “the” is accurate.

During the debate, Hillary Clinton watched from the audience of Hofstra University’s auditorium. Bill Clinton was also at Hofstra University — but he watched from the Delta Gamma sorority house.”

 

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Rerun

 

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

Some people said that McCain seemed angry and overly emotional at the debate. I don’t know. I saw two very cool, very confident, unflappable men up there. Unfortunately, one of them was the moderator, Bob Schieffer.

The general consensus seemed to be that McCain didn’t do a whole lot to turn things around. Part of the reason is he does a lot of weird stuff with his face.

He blinks like he is sending Morse code through the TV set.

Late Night – Tuesday 10/14/08


The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

I think the economy is finally turning around. In fact, instead of shooting animals for food, Sarah Palin is actually shooting for fun again.

Barack Obama says that both men and women should have to register for the draft. The first woman he wants signed up? Sarah Palin.

The last debate will be tomorrow night. It’s being sponsored by Anheuser-Busch. I guess the last two debates were so boring, people need to get good and liquored up.

More voter charges with this group ACORN. Apparently, Mickey Mouse was registered to vote. Mickey Mouse. Is that so bad? Goofy’s been president for the past eight years . . .

Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Ways John McCain Can Turn It Around

10. Try the old “I’ll vote for you if you vote for me” trick
9. Inspire America by jumping Straight Talk Express over Snake River Canyon
8. Change name to Jorack McBama
7. Start wearing a cape
6. Step one: Send Bin Laden free tickets to Giants game. Step two: When he shows up in East Rutherford, N.J., expecting to enjoy some big blue smashmouth football, gotcha sucka!
5. Sizzling tango with Cloris Leachman on “Dancing With The Stars”
4. Put more effort into budget plan, less effort into Facebook status updates
3. Point out his steady leadership got us through the Great Depression
2. Assure voters the only poll that matters is in his pants
1. Get Sarah Palin to illegally fire herself

 

Late Show with David Letterman

Yesterday at the White House, President Bush met with Italian Prime Minister Berlusconi. Bush kept calling him “Boyardee.”

Russia has apparently test-fired some long-range ballistic missiles. At least that’s what Sarah Palin said she saw from her house.

At a rally, Sarah Palin mistook some of her supporters for hecklers. Confusion happens. For instance, a few weeks ago, John McCain mistook her for a legitimate candidate.

Tomorrow night is the final debate between John McCain and Barack Obama. John McCain is going to introduce his new campaign personality to really energize the last couple of weeks of the campaign. “Fighting Underdog.” That’s the new name. If that doesn’t work, he’s going to go with “Sadistic Yard Bull” . . . If that doesn’t work, then he’s going to try “Corrupt Border-Town Sheriff” . . . then, “Seen-It-All Bartender” . . .

 

Late Night with Conan O’Brien

In an interview, the boyfriend of Sarah Palin’s pregnant daughter says that at first he was nervous attending the Republican Convention with the Palins, but then he was like, “whatever.” He also admitted that he writes Sarah Palin’s speeches.

A group linked to Democrats is now being investigated because they’ve been accused of falsifying voter registration forms, including one for Mickey Mouse. President Bush was furious when he heard this, because he thought Mickey Mouse was a Republican.

President Bush announced today that he is going to have the federal government put $250 billion into U.S. banks. President Bush also said that if he’s putting that much money into a bank they better give him a big-a** toaster.

This week on the campaign trail, John McCain talked about his next debate with Barack Obama and said, “I’m going to whip his you-know-what.” Then McCain vowed to hit Obama in the “watchamacallit” and kick him in the “thingamajig.”

 

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Rerun

 

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

Two big wildfires are burning in California. Emergency teams are trying to contain the fire. They are trying to drive them to homes that have already been foreclosed on.

Yesterday, Gov. Schwarzenegger ordered a state of emergency to be declared . . . or he might have ordered a steak with burgundy and an éclair. It’s hard to tell with a former bodybuilder from the Black Forest.

The last time we had a fire, he tried to slather it with baby oil.


Late Night Monday 10/13/08


The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

Today is Columbus Day, which is why all the banks are closed. At least I think that’s why all the banks are closed . . .

Columbus is the only guy who could close more banks than President Bush.

Former President Jimmy Carter blasted President Bush, blaming the financial crisis on him. Carter called it the worst financial crisis since . . . the Carter administration.

I don’t think President Bush understands the financial crisis. When asked about General Motors, he said, “I think he’s doing a fine job in Iraq.”

Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Surprises In The Sarah Palin “Troopergate” Investigation Report

10. Spent thousands of taxpayer dollars pimpin’ her dog sled
9. Terminated her hairstylist after receiving a bad beehive
8. Palin claims she hasn’t seen this kind of misuse of justice since Supreme Court case of . . . umm, lemme think of one
7. In her adult life has never gone more than 10 minutes without saying, “You betcha!”
6. No number 6 — writer looking for his hairbrush
5. Report’s conclusion: “Hey, at least she didn’t shoot a guy . . . like Cheney!”
4. Spent eight weeks in rehab for addiction to lip gloss
3. When asked to respond to charges said, “Instead of answering your question, I’m going to talk about energy”
2. Printed in extra-large font so McCain can read it
1. Palin’s excuse: “It wasn’t me, it was Tina Fey”

 

Late Show with David Letterman

President Bush says he’s going to “tweak” the bailout plan. That’s like the captain of the Titanic tweaking the brunch menu.

Bush is trying to reassure Americans that things are going to get better. Well sure — in three months he’ll be out of office.

Over the weekend, Sarah Palin went to Philadelphia and dropped the first puck for the beginning of the NHL season. She dropped the puck, then she cut a hole in the ice and started fishing.

The third presidential debate is Wednesday. John McCain says he’s going to win. Of course, he also told Custer the surge is working.

 

Late Night with Conan O’Brien

Newsweek magazine is being criticized because last week’s cover featured an unflattering picture of Sarah Palin. Palin says it’s the worst thing the press has done to her since that time they made her answer a question.

This weekend, the leaders of the world’s richest countries got together to discuss the global economic meltdown. President Bush wanted to go to the meeting, but after last week, the U.S. is no longer one of the world’s richest countries.

Today the Pope announced that he is going to canonize the first-ever saint from India. Apparently the Indian saint performed three miracles — and fixed the Pope’s computer when his hard drive crashed.

In a new interview, Nicole Richie said she has no plans to get married, but it could happen eventually. Then Richie said the same thing about lunch.

 

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Rerun

 

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

Rerun

Late Night Thursday 10/9/08


The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

Everyone is talking about how boring the debate was the other night. Experts say neither candidate scored a knockout punch. But I don’t know about that — after about 10 minutes, I was out like a light.

Obama says there’s nothing to the accusation of a friendship with ‘60s radical Bill Ayers. He says Ayers was a person he knew early in his career, but now plays no role in his campaign. Kind of like the Clintons.

In describing her beautiful home, Sarah Palin says that when she stands on her porch she can see the moon. You know what that means — she’s now qualified to be an astronaut.

AIG executives asked for and got another $37 billion. Earlier this week, they announced they are going on another retreat. This time with golf and massages at the Ritz Carlton. You know, instead of a bailout, how about locking these guys up with no bail?

 

Late Show with David Letterman

Beautiful day in New York City: 72 and sunny. John McCain? Seventy-three and cranky.

I like John McCain. He looks like the guy at Home Depot who mixes paint.

At the debate, John McCain referred to Barack Obama as “that one.” McCain later apologized. He got confused — he thought he was at the bakery.

President Bush announced he’s taking over the banks. Well . . . crisis over!

 

Late Night with Conan O’Brien

Today is Yom Kippur, the holiest day of the Jewish calendar. Or as we call it the O’Brien house, Thursday.

On Saturday night, Sarah Palin is going to drop the first puck at the Philadelphia Flyers’ hockey game. Then Palin will spend the rest of the game trying to keep the hockey players out of her daughter’s penalty box.

This week, independent presidential candidate Ralph Nader announced that he is opening up 22 campaign offices nationwide. Which means that every Nader supporter will get his or her own office.

Members of the press corps are complaining that Barack Obama’s airplane is cramped and has a terrible odor. So finally, with just one month until the election, we’ve found the comedic take on Obama: He has a smelly plane.

 

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Madonna started her new tour in New York. At the concert, she said she is going to kick Sarah Palin’s ass. That would be one sexy underpants pillow fight.

Madonna and Sarah Plain are very different, of course. One is an insane celebrity who has no business discussing politics, and the other one is Madonna.

It’s Leif Ericson Day — the anniversary of the Viking Leif Ericson landing in the North American continent a thousand years ago. Ericson was a long-haired warrior from the icy north who liked to kill things. He was the Sarah Palin of his time.

He probably read more newspapers, though.

 

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

Rerun

Late Night Wednesday 10/8/08


The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

All the networks had their own spin on the debate last night . . . each calling it something different. ABC called it “Dancing Around the Questions.”

I don’t want to say the debate was boring, but I didn’t think a political event could be that dull without the help of Al Gore.

It got a little heated at one point when McCain said that we don’t have time for on-the-job training. Then I thought, “Well then why did you pick Sarah Palin?”

The only really new proposal came from John McCain. McCain proposed buying up bad homeowner mortgages. Not to save the middle class — you know McCain, he just likes buying houses.

Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Signs The Campaign Is Getting Ugly

10. Three times Straight Talk Express has “accidentally” knocked over Obama’s mailbox
9. Next debate will be moderated by Jerry Springer
8. McCain keeps referring to opponent as “Sen. Barack Hussein Obama bin Laden”
7. Sarah Palin says she can see Joe Biden’s hair plugs from her house
6. Desperate attempt to connect Obama to the last eight years of Regis
5. No number 5 — economy so bad, writer putting everything he owns up on eBay
4. They have resorted to “Your vice president’s so dumb” jokes
3. Obama claimed McCain’s irresponsibility caused the 1929 stock market crash
2. Even Dick Cheney thinks they’re being cruel
1. Obama’s gloves are off, McCain’s teeth are out

 

Late Show with David Letterman

Tom Brokaw did a tremendous job moderating the debate. At one point, Tom tells Obama and McCain that they’re going to answer questions that came in over the Internet. And McCain said, “Tom . . . is that the same as the telegraph?”

I think McCain isn’t that great a debater. At one point, he said to Obama, “Hey — if you’re so smart, how come you’re not farther ahead in the polls?”

But McCain did say that two years ago he warned everyone about “Beverly Hills Chihuahua.”

They had the town-hall format. That means the candidates could move around on the stage. McCain looked like a retiree who couldn’t find his Buick.

 

Late Night with Conan O’Brien

Last night’s presidential debate between Barack Obama and John McCain is being called flat, boring, and uninteresting. As a result, it’s been picked up as a fall series by NBC.

During the debate, John McCain sparked a controversy when he referred to Barack Obama as “that one.” Afterwards, McCain said, “What — like I’m supposed to remember everyone’s name now?”

Because of all the international focus on the election, the debate was broadcast in foreign countries all across Europe, Asia, and South America. Or as Sarah Palin calls them — “Russia.”

People looking into Barack Obama’s campaign contributions say that Obama may have received $3.3 million from abroad. And it turns out that broad is Oprah Winfrey.

 

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Most people would say Barack Obama is winning: He’s ahead in the polls; he has ways to fix the economy; and he’s with that gorgeous sex-pot Joe Biden.

But I wouldn’t rule out John McCain, just yet. Obama is like the hare, surging ahead with his ideas . . . his plans . . . his cute little bunny ears . . .

McCain is like the tortoise. He’s thousands of years old . . . shuffling forward, occasionally poking his head out of his shell to go to the bathroom . . .

I did take exception to McCain calling Obama “that one.” I can’t think of anytime it would be appropriate to call a United States senator “that one.” Well, maybe if you had to pick a senator out of a lineup.

 

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

Rerun

Late Night Tuesday 10/7/08


The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

At the debate earlier, Barack Obama took a page from Sarah Palin’s book and walked up to John McCain and said, “May I call you old?”

The debate took place in Nashville, Tenn., which is perfect — the economy right now is kind of like a bad country song: “I lost my girl; I lost my house . . .”

The debate was held in “town-hall” style — which means instead of ignoring the moderator’s questions, the candidates could ignore the voters directly.

The town-hall format is John McCain’s favorite, as opposed to Barack Obama’s favorite way — Sermon on the Mount.

Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Signs You’re Watching A Bad Presidential Debate

10. It’s a town hall debate, but the town is in a mountainous region of Pakistan
9. Tom Brokaw leaves early to catch 9:15 showing of “Beverly Hills Chihuahua”
8. Topics fall into the categories “Domestic policy,” “Foreign policy,” and “Burt Reynolds Films of the ’70s”
7. Keep arguing about who has more friends on Facebook
6. Candidate says, “Why you hatin’?” Other responds, “Why you buggin’?”
5. It’s covered by CBS, NBC, ABC, and the Howard 100 News team
4. Candidates ignore questions and gossip about which Senate pages are sluts
3. The yodeling competition
2. Disproportionate amount of questions about “The Hills”
1. It’s 90 minutes of folksy phrases and winking

 

Late Show with David Letterman

The second presidential debate was last night. The debate got off to an awkward start when a confused John McCain asked Barack Obama, “May I call you Joe?”

It was a “town-hall” format, meaning candidates could walk around the stage. It was pretty successful — John McCain only wandered off twice.

McCain was walking around a little confused — he started singing “Sweet Caroline.”

This was the second presidential debate — things are really starting to look bad for Hillary.

 

Late Night with Conan O’Brien

People who didn’t want to watch the presidential debate were able to switch over to watch Paris Hilton’s new reality show. In honor of the debate, tonight’s episode of Paris’ show featured Paris having sex in the “town-hall format.”

Some of the questions for the debate were submitted by people on the Internet. When faced with the Internet questions, John McCain said he refuses to engage with wizards or warlocks.

In a recent speech, Sarah Palin referred to Afghanistan as “our neighboring country.” Then she promised to find Osama bin Laden in the mountains of Toronto.

President Bush gave a speech today about the economy, and he said that he believes that “anyone who makes bad decisions should fail.” Then Bush looked around the room and said, “Hey, why did it get so quiet in here?”

 

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

The Dow is going down faster than O.J. Simpson in prison.

The debate was last night — McCain prepared by putting new tennis balls on his walker.

The media treats these guys like they’re too cute to question seriously — like they’re The Jonas Brothers or something.

 

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

Rerun

Late Night Monday 10/6/08


The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

According to a new survey, only 25 percent of Americans think that Sarah Palin is qualified to be president. Which sounds bad . . . but only 10 percent think Bush is qualified.

During the debate the other night, the moderator asked Palin to describe her Achilles’ heel. But instead of talking about her greatest weakness, she started talking about her greatest strength . . . . which apparently is not answering questions.

The Labor Department has announced that 159,000 people lost their jobs last month. Worst job loss in five years. Here’s the ironic part — all 435 members of Congress still have their jobs.

The stock market’s so bad now that at closing time, instead of a bell, they play taps.

Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Ways to Make the Financial Crisis More Fun

10. Take a page from President Bush and ignore it
9. When Dow Jones drops more than 800 points, every American gets free mozzarella stix at Applebee’s
8. Replace Lehman Brothers with the Wayans Brothers
7. File for bankruptcy three times and the fourth one is free!
6. Invest half your portfolio in liquor, the other half in strippers
5. Goodbye repo men, hello repo monkeys
4. Don’t call it a “bailout” or a “rescue,” call it a “fun-nancial crisis”
3. Put it all on Ball State and give the 16 points
2. Enjoy blank stare when Katie Couric asks Sarah Palin what “FDIC” stands for
1. Hire O.J. and his goons to steal back your money

 

Late Show with David Letterman

The stock market fell 800 points — thank you, bailout plan.

The economy is going to hell, but at least we’re getting leadership from the White House.

This just in: A backwoods hiker has just found the wreckage of John McCain’s campaign.

John McCain has pulled out of Michigan — I guess the surge wasn’t working.

 

Late Night with Conan O’Brien

John McCain’s campaign has closed their offices in Michigan, and they say they won’t try to compete for votes there. Apparently, this is part of McCain’s strategy to try to win votes only in the original 13 colonies.

This weekend, the jury in the O.J. Simpson armed robbery case found him guilty on all counts. So be careful parents — if your child experiments with double murder it could lead down the treacherous path to sports memorabilia theft.

In a new interview, Angelina Jolie said that she wants to have more children. Then someone explained to Jolie that thanks to her there are no more left.

eBay announced that they are firing 1,600 people. On the bright side, the fired eBay employees will be allowed to bid on the contents of their desks.

 

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

At this point, it’s a race to see what drops faster: the stock market or John McCain’s poll numbers.

So Sarah Palin is saying the gloves are off. Gloves off . . . usually a big mistake. Just ask O.J. Simpson.

Stop the whiny name-calling. Americans want a president who’ll stand up and be a man. That’s why so many people were voting for Hillary Clinton.

 

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

Rerun

Late Night Friday 10/3/08


The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

Political analysts who watched the debate last night said there were no losers — other than gay people who want to get married.

Both parties are spinning it. Republicans are saying, Oh Joe Biden got beaten by a girl. Democrats are screaming elderly abuse.

They determined who got the first question by a coin toss. To which Sarah Palin said, “What a coincidence — that’s how I was picked.”

It was a thrill for Joe Biden. He got to talk directly to the American people on television, just the way FDR did when the stock market crashed in 1929.

Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Messages Left On Sarah Palin’s Answering Machine

10. “Hi, it’s John McCain; I had to go to bed. How’d it go?”
9. “Hi, Katie Couric here. Have you thought of a Supreme Court case yet?”
8. “Hi, it’s Bill Clinton. Let me know when Todd’s out of town”
7. “My name is Joseph Sixpack — knock it off”
6. “Hi, Katie Couric again — think of any newspapers yet?”
5. “Buy the Late Show Fun Facts book. It’s a bridge to hilarity”
4. “John McCain again; could you pick up my prescriptions?”
3. “Senator Larry Craig here — do you have Joe Biden’s phone number?”
2. “McCain again; do you remember where I parked the Straight Talk Express?”
1. “It’s President Bush. If you’re at the debate, who’s watchin’ Russia?”

 

Late Show with David Letterman

Washington just approved a rescue plan for the Cubs.

The bailout plan has passed. Here’s the deal: It went from $700 billion, to $800 billion. If it costs the taxpayer more, then Congress will vote for it.

At the vice presidential debate, they’re saying that Sarah Palin did pretty well, and that Joe Biden avoided any verbal gaffes. And I’m thinking, “Well, what fun was that?”

Before the debate, Sarah Palin goes up to Sen. Biden and says, “Do you mind if I call you Joe?” And he says, “Do you mind if I call you smokin’ hot?”

 

Late Night with Conan O’Brien

Last night’s vice presidential debate between Joe Biden and Sarah Palin drew much higher ratings than the presidential debate. Biden attracted viewers who enjoyed his previous debate appearances, and Palin attracted viewers who enjoyed the movie “Fargo.”

Today, President Bush signed the Wall Street bailout bill, but he said that our economy continues to face serious challenges. Bush said he thought those challenges could be overcome as soon he leaves office in two months.

Yesterday Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger gave a speech and said that California is running out of money and might need an emergency loan of $7 billion. Or he could have been ordering a sandwich; we have no idea.

The other night in Milwaukee, a brawl broke out among people leaving a Celine Dion concert. Apparently, the people leaving early were in the way of the people trying to leave really early.

 

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

The race is heating up, now. During an interview, John McCain said that he is not a rich man. Which is true — at least two of his seven houses are in kind of so-so neighborhoods.

Several Republicans have come out and said that Sarah Palin is too uninformed to be the vice president. I think they might have a point, because before the debate, she went sightseeing and saw the St. Louis Arch and said, “Who put up that huge McDonald’s sign?”

Hustler is producing a porn movie with a Sarah Plain lookalike. In the movie, she has sex with a Bill Clinton lookalike. I think Bill has actually volunteered to be in it.

 

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

Rerun

Late Night Thursday 10/2/08


The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

The Senate passed the bailout bill last night. They say one of the reasons the new bill was passed was because lawmakers stopped calling the bill a bailout and started calling it a “rescue” bill. I’m sorry — isn’t that called putting lipstick on a pig?

With the new provisions, it’s now going to cost $800 billion. We should have signed it two days ago when it was just $700 billion.

According to a recent poll, 61 percent of people surveyed said they’d rather see Sarah Palin in a bikini than Pamela Andersen. Although 99 percent said they’d rather see Pamela Anderson as vice president.

They’ve just come out with a Joe Biden doll. Apparently the hair is so unrealistic, it looks just like him.

Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Surprises in the Vice Presidential Debate

10. First question for Palin: “Why in the hell do you keep agreeing to talk to Katie Couric?”
9. As a welcome to the candidates, St. Louis constructed a special “arch to nowhere”
8. To even the playing field, Biden wore stilettos
8. To even the playing field
7. A confused John McCain kept stumbling onstage asking where he was
6. Most of discussion was what to do about the Mets
5. Palin bore a striking resemblance to Mitt Romney in a wig
4. Only thing the candidates agreed on? “The Late Show Fun Facts” book: 240 pages of jam-packed hilarity!
3. Biden’s insistence that from his house in Delaware he can see Russia
2. You could hear Hillary’s muffled screams from the parking lot
1. Palin mentioned bombing Iran, Pakistan, and Tina Fey

 

Late Show with David Letterman

The economy is so bad, today Dick Cheney was waterboarding his stockbroker.

The Senate passed the bailout bill after loading it with pork. It just doesn’t seem right to me to pass a bill like that on Rosh Hashana.

Last night, in the interview with Katie Couric, Sarah Palin said she can’t name a Supreme Court ruling she disagrees with. The best she could come up with was the time Judge Judy ruled against the landlord.

She did say she objected to several of Paula Abdul’s rulings on “American Idol.”

 

Late Night with Conan O’Brien

Political experts say that to succeed in tonight’s debate, Sarah Palin needs to show that she has the same concerns as everyday Americans. For instance, Palin planned to start the debate by saying she’s really troubled by John McCain’s choice for vice president.

Now, there is a lot on the line in tonight’s debate. Political experts say that one mistake by Sarah Palin tonight could be crushing to John McCain’s campaign. However, they say 20 or 30 mistakes by Palin could be really funny.

People are still talking about Sarah Palin’s interview with Katie Couric where Palin was unable to answer a question about the Supreme Court. Apparently Palin thought the Supreme Court was a regular court with extra cheese.

Larry Flynt announced he’s making a porn movie with a Sarah Palin look-alike. John McCain called the idea offensive; Barack Obama called it inappropriate, and Bill Clinton said he’ll reserve judgment until he sees the film.

 

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

The debate tonight is very important for Sarah Palin. Ratings are probably huge cause she’s like a celebrity; everyone wants to see what Sarah Palin does. Nobody watched the debate to see Joe Biden. Come on — that’s like watching porno to see the guy.

Barack Obama is a bit of celebrity as well. People say that’s why he breaks the fundraising records. But John McCain breaks records, too. Usually the vinyl records that he forces into his CD player.

Election infection is spreading across Hollywood, like pilates and Kabbalah and everything. There is a new public service announcement — a bunch of celebrities are urging people to vote. I can’t show you it; it’s like five hours long.

Everyone is in it — Leo Dicaprio is in it; Ashton Kutcher is in it; Ashton Kutcher’s mom is in it [picture of Demi Moore].

 

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

The vice presidential debate was tonight. It’s not too late, by the way, to text in your votes. I voted four times for Palin and six times for David Archuleta.

Before the debate, Joe Biden’s team said his strategy would be to avoid attacking Sarah Palin directly, and instead focus on linking McCain to President Bush. Palin’s people said her strategy would be to stay upwind of Biden, and flush him out into an open area and go for a clean shot through the lungs.

They don’t want to mess with the head; that’s the trophy.

The big question is, With Sarah Palin yammering it up with Joe Biden in Saint Louis, who’s keeping an eye on the Russians?

Late Night Wednesday 10/1/08


The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

A new poll shows only 1 out of 4 people approve of the job President Bush is doing. That means when he’s having dinner with his wife and two daughters, he’s the only one at the table who thinks he’s doing a good job.

Congress now has a 10 percent approval rating. That seems way too high.

The Senate voted on the bailout again tonight. Sen. Larry Craig missed the vote. He was in the men’s room introducing his own package.

The vice presidential debate is tomorrow night. Joe Biden already gearing up: He went to the hair salon and told the guy to put a little more on top.

Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Things Overheard at Sarah Palin’s Debate Camp

10. “Let’s practice your bewildered silence
9. “Can you try saying ‘Yes’ instead of ‘You betcha’?”
8. “Hey, I can see Mexico from here!”
7. “Maybe we’ll get lucky and there won’t be any questions about Iraq, taxes, or healthcare”
6. “We’re screwed!”
5. “Can I just use that lipstick-pit bull thing again?”
4. “We have to wrap it up for the day — McCain eats dinner at 4:30”
3. “Can we get Congress to bail us out of this debate?”
2. “John Edwards wants to know if you’d like some private tutoring in his van”
1. “Any way we can just get Tina Fey to do it?”

 

Late Show with David Letterman

Hugh Hefner asked Sarah Palin to pose naked in Playboy magazine. The last vice presidential candidate to be asked to pose naked was Lloyd Bentsen.

The vice presidential debate is tomorrow night — otherwise known as “the debate to nowhere.”

During the Sarah Plain interview with Katie Couric on CBS News, Sarah Palin could not remember the name of a newspaper or magazine that she reads. I was thinking, “Wow — possibly, a leader of the country who doesn’t read.” Then I thought, “Well hell, it’s worked pretty well for George Bush.”

Sarah Palin is nothing if not diligent. She’s working hard, preparing for the debate with Joe Biden. Earlier today, in Arizona, we heard she shot a donkey.

 

Late Night with Conan O’Brien

Economists are now claiming that our nation’s leaders didn’t properly explain the bailout plan to the public. After hearing this, President Bush said, “While you’re at it, someone should explain it to me.”

It’s been reported that John McCain is taking an herbal supplement to improve his memory. Apparently, McCain is having trouble remembering why he picked Sarah Palin.

Last night during an interview on CBS, Sarah Palin said, “One of my best friends is a lesbian, and I love her dearly.” After hearing this, Bill Clinton said, “Prove it.”

New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg says he’s interested in running again, but there’s resistance because the law would have to be changed to allow for a third term. It’s not that people have a big problem with Mike Bloomberg, they just don’t want to give President Bush any ideas.

 

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Great day for Sarah Palin. She has been practicing for the big debate tomorrow night. Palin’s staff has tried to find a stand-in to pretend to be Joe Biden, but so far all they’ve come up with is a tree stump. Which actually sounds about right.

John McCain said he turns to Sarah Palin for foreign policy advice. And then he turns to his wife Cindy, to get her to cut his meat.

Scary day in Washington today — they found a hand grenade in a park. At first they thought the worst, but it turns out Cheney just went for walk, and it fell out of his pocket.

 

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

John McCain gave a speech in Independence, Mo., today. He talked about his plan to solve the economic crisis, then strode triumphantly off stage. Well, he couldn’t find his way off stage. That’s why you have to have an exit strategy worked out.

The much-anticipated vice presidential debate takes place tomorrow night. Sen. Joe Biden faces off with Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin. Teams of technicians have been working around the clock to figure out how to run an Internet cable directly into the back of her skull to feed her information.

Even though she’s not expected to do well in the debate, she is favored heavily in Friday’s swimsuit competition.

CBS aired Part 2 of Katie Couric’s sitdown with Sarah Palin and once again, Katie did not shy away from asking tough questions, and once again, Sarah did not shy away from giving embarrassing answers.