Change was Desired

Fellow Business Executives:

As the CFO of this business that employees 140 people, I have resigned
myself to the fact that Barack Obama will be our next President, and
that our taxes and government fees will increase in a BIG way.

To compensate for these increases, I figure that the Clients will have
to see an increase in our fees to them of about 8% but since we cannot
increase our fees right now due to the dismal state of our economy, we
will have to lay off six of our employees instead. This has really been
eating at me for a while, as we believe we are family here and I didn’t
know how to choose who will have to go.

So, this is what I did. I strolled thru our parking lot and found 8
Obama bumper stickers on our employees’ cars and have decided these
folks will be the first to be laid off. I can’t think of a more fair
way to approach this problem. These folks wanted change; I gave it to them.

If you have a better idea, let me know.



Dear Employee

Dear Employee:

As a result of the budget cuts for department areas, we are forced to cut our number of personnel.

Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect

This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company.

SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program is called SCREW.

SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management.

This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).

Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.

If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get: HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel’s Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).

As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.

Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our: Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). We take pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the SHIT you can stand.

And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.

The Management.

Slap Your Co-Worker Day

Slap Your Co-Worker Day (soon to be renamed “Resume Preparation Day”)

Today is the official Slap Your Irritating Co-workers Holiday. Do you have a co-worker who talks nonstop about nothing, working your last nerve with tedious and boring details that you don’t give a damn about? Do you have a co-worker who ALWAYS screws up stuff creating MORE work for you? Do you have a co-worker who kisses so much booty, you can look in their mouth and see what your boss had for lunch? Do you have a co-worker who is SOOO obnoxious,when he/she enters a room, everyone else clears it? Well, on behalf of Ike Turner, I am so very very glad to officially announce tomorrow as SLAP YOUR IRRITATING CO-WORKER DAY! Here are the rules you must follow:

* You can only slap one person per hour – no more.
* You can slap the same person again if they irritate you again in the same day.
* You are allowed to hold someone down as other co-workers take their turns slapping the irritant.
* No weapons are allowed…other than going upside somebody’s head with a stapler or a hole-puncher.
* CURSING IS MANDATORY! After you have slapped the recipient, your “assault” must be followed with something like “cause I’m sick of your stupid-ass always messing up stuff!”
* If questioned by a supervisor or police, (if the supervisor is the irritant), you are allowed to claim a physical version of Tourette’s….

Now, study the rules, break out your list of folks that you want to slap the living day lights out of and get to slapping…..and have a GREAT DAY!

Office Rules

Office Rules

We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are
able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all
your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact.
To have something removed constitutes a breach of ! employment.

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
Saturday and Sunday.

All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The
vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead
friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have
non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare c! ases where employee
involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late
afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and
subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done

This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks
notice, as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we
will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all
employees whose names begin with ‘A’ will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees
whose names begin with ‘B’ will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you’re
unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the
next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may
swap their time with a coworker. Both employees’ supervisors in writing must
approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time
limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the
toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.

Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they
can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a
balanced meal to maintain the average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for
lunch because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a
diet pill.

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary, if we
see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers and carrying a $600 Gucci bag we assume
you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive
employment experience. Therefore, all questions comments, concerns,
complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations,
allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations or input should be
directed elsewhere. Have a nice week.


Total Eclipse of Communication

Total Eclipse of Communication

From : Managing Director
To : Executive Director

“Tomorrow morning there will be a total eclipse of the sun at nine o’clock. This is something which we cannot see everyday, so let the work-force line up outside, in their best clothes to watch it.

To mark the occasion of this rare occurrence, I will personally explain the phenomenon to them. If it is raining we will not be able to see it very well and in that case the work force should assemble in the canteen.”

From : Executive Director
To : Departmental Head

“By order of the Managing Director, there will be a total eclipse of the sun at nine o’ clock tomorrow morning.

If it is raining we will not be able to see it in our best clothes, on the site. In this case the disappearance of the sun will be followed through in the canteen. This is something we cannot see happening everyday.”

From : Departmental Heads
To : Sectional Heads

“By order of the Managing Director, we shall follow the disappearance of the sun in our best clothes, in the canteen at nine o’clock tomorrow morning.

The Managing Director will tell us whether it is going to rain. This is something which we cannot see happen everyday.”

From : Section Heads
To : Foreman

“If it is raining in the canteen tomorrow morning, which is something that we cannot see happen everyday, the Managing Director in his best clothes, will disappear at nine o’ clock.”

From : Foreman
To : All Operators

“Tomorrow morning at nine o’ clock, the Managing Director will disappear. It’s a pity that we can’t see this happen everyday.”