Cosby on the Election


Enjoy this from Bill Cosby!

I HAVE DECIDED TO BECOME A WRITE-IN CANDIDATE.

HERE IS MY PLATFORM:

(1) ‘Press 1 for English’ is immediately banned. English is the official language; speak it or wait at the border until you can.

(2) We will immediately go into a two year isolationist posture to straighten out the country’s attitude. NO imports, no exports.  We will use the ‘Wal-Mart’s policy, ‘If we ain’t got it, you don’t need it.’

(3) When imports are allowed, there will be a 100% import tax on it.

(4) All retired military personnel will be required to man one of our many observation towers on the southern border. (six month tour) They will be under strict orders not to fire on SOUTHBOUND aliens.

(5) Social security will immediately return to its original state. If you didn’t put nuttin in, you ain’t gettin nuttin out. The president nor any other politician will not be able to touch it.

(6) Welfare – Checks will be handed out on Fridays at the end of the 40 hour school week and the successful completion of urinalysis and a passing grade.

(7) Professional Athletes –Steroids – The FIRST time you check positive you’re banned for life.

(8) Crime – We will adopt the Turkish method, the first time you steal, you lose your right hand. There is no more life sentences. If convicted, you will be put to death by the same method you chose for your victim; gun, knife, strangulation, etc.

(9) One export will be allowed; Wheat, The world needs to eat. A bushel of wheat will be the exact price of a barrel of oil.

(10) All foreign aid using American taxpayer money will immediately cease, and the saved money will pay off the national debt and ultimately lower taxes. When disasters occur around the world, we’ll ask the American people if they want to donate to a disaster fund, and each citizen can make the decision whether it’s a worthy cause.

(11) The Pledge of Allegiance will be said every day at school and every day in Congress.

(12) The National Anthem will be played at all appropriate ceremonies, sporting events, outings, etc.

Sorry if I stepped on anyone’s toes but a vote for me will get you better than what you have, and better than what you’re gonna get.

Thanks for listening, God Bless America……… Bill
~thanks Sammy!

Change was Desired


Fellow Business Executives:

As the CFO of this business that employees 140 people, I have resigned
myself to the fact that Barack Obama will be our next President, and
that our taxes and government fees will increase in a BIG way.

To compensate for these increases, I figure that the Clients will have
to see an increase in our fees to them of about 8% but since we cannot
increase our fees right now due to the dismal state of our economy, we
will have to lay off six of our employees instead. This has really been
eating at me for a while, as we believe we are family here and I didn’t
know how to choose who will have to go.

So, this is what I did. I strolled thru our parking lot and found 8
Obama bumper stickers on our employees’ cars and have decided these
folks will be the first to be laid off. I can’t think of a more fair
way to approach this problem. These folks wanted change; I gave it to them.

If you have a better idea, let me know.

Sincerely,

Mgmt

Redistribute the Wealth


Yesterday on my way to lunch at Applebee’s with my wife, I passed one of those homeless guys in the area with a sign that read, “Vote Obama, I need the money!” Once in Applebee’s, my waiter had on an “Obama ’08” tee shirt.
When the bill came, I decided not to tip the waiter and explained to him while he had given my wife and I exceptional service, that his tee shirt made me feel he obviously believes in Senator Obama’s plan to redistribute the wealth, so I told him I was going to redistribute his tip to someone that I deemed more in need — the homeless guy outside.
He stood there in disbelief and angrily stormed away. I went outside, gave the homeless guy $3 and told him to thank the waiter inside, as I had decided he could use the money more than him. The homeless guy looked at me in disbelief, but seemed grateful.
As I got in my car, I realized this rather unscientific redistribution of the wealth experiment had left the homeless guy quite happy for the money he did not earn, but the waiter was pretty angry that I gave away the money he did earn. Well…. I guess this redistribution of wealth thing is going to take a while to catch on with those doing the work.

At The Medical Convention


At a recent medical convention, doctors were asked their opinions regarding the bailout/rescue plan voted on by Congress. The following are their opinions:

Allergists voted to scratch it, whereas

Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling, and

Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve!

Obstetricians said we were laboring under a misconception, but

Ophthalmologists flat out vetoed the bill as being short-sighted.

Pathologists yelled, ‘Over my dead body!’ and

Pediatricians rallied to chant, ‘Oh, Grow up!’

Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while

Radiologists could see right through it.

Surgeons agreed to cut it up and wash their hands of it, yet

Internists thought it was a bitter pill we have to swallow.

Plastic Surgeons said, ‘This puts a whole new face on things.’

Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but

Urologists said the it would not hold water.

Anesthesiologists noted that the whole idea was a gas, but

Cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say no.

A final opinion was voiced by a coalition of Proctologists who advised everyone to leave the
financial fiasco with the assholes in Washington who caused it.

‘Twas the night before elections


‘Twas the night before elections
And all through the town
Tempers were flaring
Emotions all up and down!

I, in my bathrobe
With a cat in my lap
Had cut off the TV
Tired of political crap.

When all of a sudden
There arose such a noise
I peered out of my window
Saw Obama and his boys

They had come for my wallet
They wanted my pay
To give to the others
Who had not worked a day!

He snatched up my money
And quick as a wink
Jumped back on his bandwagon
As I gagged from the stink

He then rallied his henchmen
Who were pulling his cart
I could tell they were out
To tear my country apart!

‘On Fannie, on Freddie,
On Biden and Ayers!
On Acorn, On Pelosi’
He screamed at the pairs!

They took off for his cause
And as he flew out of sight
I heard him laugh at the nation
Who wouldn’t stand up and fight!

So I leave you to think
On this one final note-
IF YOU DONT WANT SOCIALISM
GET OUT AND VOTE.

“America will never be destroyed from outside. If we falter and lose our freedoms, it will be because we destroyed ourselves.”

~Abraham Lincoln