Talking Politics

“Are you kidding me, the mayor of Wasilla, Alaska? Yeah, that’s who you want in the White House during a time of crisis. When she got a phone call at 3 in the morning, it was because a moose had gotten in the garbage can.” -Bill Maher

“I think this is pertinent because McCain has been running this campaign based on ‘we’re at war, it’s a dangerous world out there. The democrats don’t get that. I John McCain am the only one standing between the blood-thirsty Al Qaedas and you. But if I die, this stewardess can handle it.'” -Bill Maher

“Five kids? Does anyone in that party understand the concept of pulling out?” -Bill Maher

“When they were vetting her for this job, like three seconds ago, she said, quote, I’m not making this up, ‘What is it exactly that the VP does every day?’ Let me field that for you, Sarah. They start wars, they enrich their friends, they subvert the Constitution, and they shoot people in the face. That’s what the vice president does.” -Bill Maher
“John McCain’s VP pick is the governor of Alaska, an unknown hockey mom named Sarah Palin that no one ever heard of. The only other job she had in politics was the mayor of a small town known as Wasilla, Alaska, and now she has the opportunity to be on a ticket opposite of Barack Obama, the first black man she’s ever seen.” -Bill Maher

“This isn’t a presidential ticket, this is a sitcom. The maverick and the MILF.” -Bill Maher

“There was some breaking news out of Dayton, Ohio today, where Republican presidential candidate John McCain in¬troduced the world to his third wife.” -Jon Stewart
“The McCain people believe that Americans will disregard her inexperience because they will fall in love with her story. She was a runner up in the 1984 Miss Alaska Pageant., which may sound trite, but you try walking in high-heeled snow shoes.” -Bill Maher

“And the trump card, why Americans will fall in love with her, she’s got five kids. How can you not vote for someone who has five children, including an infant? Some touching details about the infant: it has Downes Syndrome, she had it when she was 43 years old, and it looks a lot like John Edwards.” -Bill Maher
I think this unprecedented financial crisis is great news for George Bush. Now this will be the president’s lasting leg¬acy! It will cover up all the things that were going to be his legacy! I mean, just think of Iraq, torture, wiretapping, Katrina as little paint drips on the floor of his presidency. This financial disaster is like painting the whole floor! Now I don’t see any mistakes. It really freshens the place up. Now, sure people in New Orleans’ ninth word still don’t have houses. But soon neither will anyone.” –Stephen Colbert

How Big is $700 Billion?

•  If Sarah Palin bought 700 billion Popsicles and divided them equally among her kids, they would still have the weirdest names in Alaska.
•  If you had rented Bonfire Of The Vanities from the Clam Bay Blockbuster on March 18, 1991 for 700 billion days, you still wouldn’t have finished watching it.  Because it’s crap.
•  If you were the last car in a line of 700 billion identical Porsche Boxsters, and a guy came in behind you in a Plymouth Neon, he would still pull out to pass.
•  If you put all your spare pennies in a coffee mug on your bedroom dresser every day, and never spent them, and never gave them to charity, or to your kids, and never accidentally lost a bunch of them when the cat jumped on your dresser and dumped them, it wouldn’t take long before you started wondering what the hell you’re going to do with all those pennies.
•  If you were waiting in line to renew your license at the DMV and you took a ticket from the machine that said ‘Take A Ticket And Wait Until Your Number Is Called’, and the number on your ticket was 700,000,000,000, the number on the ‘Now Being Served’ sign would say 700,000,000,018.
•  If you paid your cellphone service provider $700 billion in advance to take advantage of their Prepaid Weekends offer for the rest of your life, you would immediately get a weekend job in a hospital where you can’t use a cellphone.
•  If you went into Sleep Country and asked if you could stack 700 billion Sealy mattresses on top of each other to see if their advertising claims were true, you would discover that you had a ceiling problem after about 11 mattresses.
•  If Kirstie Alley eats one more cookie, she will weigh 700 billion pounds.
•  If you owned a dog that liked to roll in dead fish carcasses whenever it went to the beach, there would be 700 billion dead fish on the beach the next time you went there.
•  If some financial wizard did a lot of math and figured that the taxpayers would have to pay a bunch of slick weasels 700 billion dollars to solve a problem they created, it wouldn’t take the taxpayers long to figure out how much it would cost to buy enough burlap sacks and rocks to take care of all the slick weasels they could round up.