Report Card Comments

These 12 are comments made on students’ report cards by teachers in the New
York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded but maybe they
had a point!

1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started
to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to
achieve them.
6. The student has a ‘full six-pack’ but lacks the plastic thing to hold it
all together.
7. This child has been working with glue too much.
8. When your daughter’s IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.
10. If this student were any stupider he’d have to be watered twice a week.
11. It’s impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out
1,000,000 others.
12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.

The College Professor

A dottering, old professor of logic asked his College class
a question.”If Philadelphia is 100 miles from New York and Chicago is
1000 miles from Philadelphia and Los Angeles is 2000 miles
from Chicago, and the Moon is 239,000 miles from Earth, how
old am I?”

A student in the back of the class raised his hand and when
called upon said, “Professor, you’re 70.”

The old professor said, “You’re absolutely correct, but tell
me, how did you arrive at the answer so quickly?”

The student said, “It’s easy, I have a brother, he’s 35, and
he’s half nuts.”

Fair Play


One morning I was called to pick up my son
at the school nurse’s office.

When I walked through the main entrance,
I noticed a woman, curlers in her hair, wearing pajamas.

“Why are you dressed like that?” I asked her.

“I told my son,” she explained,
“that if he ever did anything to embarrass me,
I would embarrass him back.

He was caught cutting school.
So now I’ve come to spend the day with him!”

The Custodian Knows Best

A new school Principal, Mr. Mitchell was checking over his school on the first day. Passing the stockroom, he was startled to see the door wide open and teachers bustling in and out, carrying off books and supplies in preparation for the arrival of students the next day. The school where he had been a Principal the previous year had used a check-out system only slightly less elaborate than that at Fort Knox.

Cautiously, he asked the school’s long time Custodian, “Do you think it’s wise to keep the stock room unlocked and to let the teachers take things without requisitions?”

The Custodian looked at him gravely, “We trust them with the children, don’t we?”

The Dean

An angel suddenly appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean of the college that, in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, he will be given his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom or beauty.

Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom. “Done!” says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning.

Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light.

At length, one of his colleagues whispers, “Say something wise.”

The dean looks at them and says,

“I should have taken the money.”


School is back in session, or will be for just about everyone by this week. As always, with a new year come new rules, new teachers, new schedules, and a new homework policy.

Students should not spend more than 90 minutes per night.

Nightly Homework Schedule
15 minutes looking for the assignment
11 minutes calling a friend to get the assignment
23 minutes explaining to parents why the teacher is mean and really does not like children
8 minutes in the bathroom
10 minutes getting a snack
7 minutes checking the TV Guide
6 minutes telling parents that the teacher never explained the homework
10 minutes sitting at the kitchen table waiting for Mom (Dad, brother, sister) to do the assignment

Long Term Assignments
These are given the night before they are due. “Long Term” is a commitment to time that begins at 9:30 pm and ends at 11:50 pm.

It is important that the whole family is involved in the project so: It is imperative that one family member race to Wal*Mart for poster board, folder, colored pens, etc. (This may require multiple trips)

It is imperative that one family member ends up in tears (does not have to be student) One parent needs to stay up and complete the project. (This may required several hours on the internet researching the problem) The other parent needs to call the school to leave a message that the student will be out sick the following day.