This Just In


Udder Chaos: Middletown Woman Arrested In Cow Suit

Police in Middletown made a rather bizarre arrest Monday night, taking into custody a woman dressed in a cow suit who was seen acting erratically.

Michelle Allen of Middletown was arrested on one count of disorderly conduct for allegedly getting in the way of traffic on Wilbraham Road and chasing children in her cow suit.

She also urinated on a neighbor’s front porch, police say.

According to police, Allen talked back and threatened to cause problems in the jail if she was arrested.

Allen appeared in court Tuesday morning dressed in the suit.

It is not clear why she was wearing the costume.

Some Groaners


I was at my new job today driving for Acme Delivery Service and was
sent to get some parts for two trucks. They told me they needed a
heater hose for two F250 trucks which required a special flared head.
I asked them if I should go to Auto Zone for them, but they said only
NAPA had the correct hoses. So I asked: “You mean you want two NAPA
headed hose?” Somehow, I still have my job, but I hear MSNBC won’t be
using our services any longer.

I was driving up the freeway the other night, and was being
aggressively followed by a Volkswagen Beetle. Its driver absolutely
insisted on tailgating me, so I sped up a bit — and it sped up a bit,
too, still right on my tail. Then I remembered what they tell you in
the new-driver’s manual — to ward off a tailgater, slow down. So I
dropped from 70 — to 60 — and at 45 the Beetle was still right
behind, and at this speed, running even closer. My wife looked over at
me, and I my entire face must have been twisted into a scowl, for she
said, “What’s the matter, hon? You look like you have a bug up your
ass.”

My friend Cindy was walking up Third Avenue in Manhattan thinking
about her impending wedding. Strung across the street in midtown was a
large protest banner. When she arrived home, she said to her fiancé,
“There is a giant sign across Third Avenue that says, ‘Free China,’
but they don’t tell you where to get it.

During my husband’s time as an older student, we didn’t have much
money for our family of seven. At a friend’s wedding, my four-year-old
daughter was sitting next to me when the minister asked, “Do you take
this man for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in
health?’ Our daughter turned to me and whispered loudly, “You chose
poorer, didn’t you Mommy?”

~thanks Stan!

Stupid Instructions


In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through
stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer — Do not use while sleeping.
(That’s the only time I have to work on my hair.)

On a bag of Fritos — You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.
Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Dial soap — “Directions: Use like regular soap.” (and that
would be???….)

On some Swanson frozen dinners — “Serving suggestion: Defrost.” (but,
it’s just a suggestion.)

On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) — “Do not turn upside
down.” (well…duh, a bit late, huh!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding — “Product will be hot after
heating.” (…and you thought????…)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron — “Do not iron clothes on body.” (but
wouldn’t this save me time?)

On Boot’s Children Cough Medicine — “Do not drive a car or operate
machinery after taking this medication.” (We could do a lot to reduce
the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5
year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid — “Warning: May cause drowsiness.”
(…I’m taking this because???….)

On most brands of Christmas lights — “For indoor or outdoor use only.”
(as opposed to what?)

On a Japanese food processor — “Not to be used for the other use.”
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I’m a bit curious.)

On Sainsbury’s peanuts — “Warning: contains nuts.”
(talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts — “Instructions: Open packet,
eat nuts.” (Step 3: say what?)

On a child’s Superman costume — “Wearing of this garment does not
enable you to fly.” (I don’t blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw — “Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands
or genitals.” (Oh my God..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

25 best (or worst) exam blunders


These are our future leaders. We’re doomed!

1) Classical Studies
Question: Name one of the early Romans’ greatest achievements.
Answer: Learning to speak Latin

2) Biology
Question: What is a fibula?
Answer: A little lie

3) General Studies
Question: Jeff has been asked to collect data about the amount of television his friends watch. Think of an appropriate question he could ask them.
Answer: How much TV do you watch?

4) Classical Studies
Question: What were the circumstances of Julius Caesar’s death?
Answer: Suspicious ones

5) Biology
Question: Give an example of a smoking-related disease.
Answer: Early death

6) Geography
Question: What are the Pyramids?
Answer: The Pyramids are a large mountain range which splits France and Spain

7) Biology
Question: What is a plasmid?
Answer: A high definition television

English
Question: In Pride and Prejudice, at what moment does Elizabeth Bennet realize her true feelings for Mr Darcy?
Answer: When she sees him coming out of the lake.

9) Geography
Question: What do we call a person forced to leave their home perhaps by a natural disaster or war, without having another home to go to.
Answer: Homeless

10) Religious Studies
Question: Christians only have one spouse, what is this called?
Answer: Monotony

11) Biology
Question: In the Hawaiian Islands, there are around 500 different species of fruit fly. Give a reason for this
Answer: There are approximately 500 varieties of fruit

12) Physics
Question: Name an environmental side effect of burning fossil fuels.
Answer: Fire

13) Geography
Question: Define the term “intensive farming”.
Answer: It is when a farmer never has a day off.

14) Maths
Question: Change 7/8 to a decimal.
Answer: 7.8

15) Geography
Question: What does the term “lava” mean?
Answer: A pre-pubescent caterpillar
16) General Studies
Question: Redundancy is often an unpleasant and unexpected event in someone’s life. Give two examples of unexpected life events.
Answer: 1) death 2) Reincarnation

17) History
Question: What was introduced in the Children’s Charter of 1908?
Answer: Children

18) Business Studies
Question: Explain the word “wholesaler”.
Answer: Someone who sells you whole items – eg, a whole cake

19) Geography
Question: The race of people known as Malays come from which country?
Answer: Malaria

20) Geography
Question:What artificial waterway runs between the Mediterranean and Red Seas?
Answer: The Sewage Canal

21) Geography
Question: Name one famous Greek landmark.
Answer: The most famous Greek landmark is the Apocalypse.

22) Maths
Question: Expand 2 (x + y)
Answer: 2 ( x + y )
2 ( x + y )
2 ( x + y )

23) Business Studies
Question: Assess Fashion House pls’s choice to locate its factory near Birmingham. Is Birmingham the right location for this type of business?
Answer: No. People from Birmingham aren’t very fashionable.

24) History
Question: Where was the American Declaration of Independence signed?
Answer: At the bottom.

25) History
Question: What did Mahatma Gandhi and Genghis Khan have in common?
Answer: Unusual names.