Math definitions

Ratio of an igloo’s circumference to its diameter: Eskimo pi

Speed of a tortoise breaking the sound barrier: Mach turtle

2,000 pounds of Chinese Soup: won ton

16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 Rod Serling

2.4 miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital: 1 I.V. League

Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower

365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer: 1 lite year

1 million microphones: 1 megaphone

1 million aches: 1 megahurtz

1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche

Half of a large intestine: 1 semi colon

Time between slipping on a banana peel and striking pavement: 1 bananosecond

1 billion piccolos: 1 gigolo

1 millionth mouthwash: 1 microscope

1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 fig Newton

1 million bicycles: 2 megacycles

Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour: 1 knot-furlong

Shortest distance between two jokes: a straight line

First step of the first mile of a thousand mile journey: 1 Milwaukee

Spanish Words of the Day

SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: WATER

My wife gets mad and I don’t even know water problem is!

SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: BRIEF

My homie farted so bad, and I couldn’t brief .

SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: MUSHROOM

Yo, when all my familia gets in the car, there’s not mushroom.

SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: CHICKEN

My girlfriend wanted me to go to the store, but chicken go by herself.

SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: LIVER & CHEESE

Some guy tried to sweet talk my woman. I told him, yo loco, liver alone, cheese mine.

SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: JULY

Ju tol me ju were goin to the store and July to me! Julyer!

SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: WAFER

I wanted to go with my mom to the flea market pero she didn’t wafer me!

SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: HERPES

I had some cake to share with my wife, this is my piece this is herpes

SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: TISSUE

I told you if you didn’t know how to do it, I could tissue.

SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: HARASSMENT

My old lady caught me in bed wit my lover so I said harassment nothing to me!

SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: CASHEW

I was running after you but I couldn’t cashew!

SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: BISHOP

We went out to the club y mi vieja got drunk and fell down, so I had to pick the bishop.

SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: JUICY

Hey man, I’m looking for Paco, tell me if juicy him!

Love Poetry

Well, you could call this love poetry if you are drunk and horny)

May you live as long as you want to;
May you want to as long as you live.
If I’m asleep when you want to, wake me;
If I’m awake and don’t want to, make me.

Here’s to you, I’m glad that I metcha,
And now that I met you, I’m glad that I letcha,
And now that I letcha,
I betcha I’d letcha again.

Here’s to the drink that creates desire.
Not the kind that burns down shanties,
But the kind that burns down panties.

Here’s to the qirl in the little red shoes,
She drinks my liquor, she drinks my booze.
She has no cherry but that’s no sin,
She has the box the cherry came in.

Here’s to the girl dressed in black,
She’s dressed so fine, there’s nothing to slack.
She feels so fine and kisses so sweet,
She makes things stand, that have no feet.

Here’s to an hour of sweet repose,
Turn to tummy and toes to toes,
Then after an hour of such delight,
It’s fanny to fanny for the rest of the night.

Now that I’m old and feeble,
And pilot light is out;
What used to be my sex appeal is now my waterspout.
I used to be embarrassed to make the thing behave,
For every single morning it would stand and watch me shave.
But now I’m getting old and it gives me the blues,
To have the thing hang down and watch me tie my shoes.

God made little boys, made them out of string,
He had a little left, made a little thing.
God made little girls, made them out of lace,
He ran a little short, and left a little space.

Thank You God.

Conspiracy Theories

Ronald Reagan’s second term was the inspiration for Weekend at
Bernie’s

TWA Flight 800 landed safely … in 1954.

The noble gases of the periodic table are not noble at all, but
a bunch of sleazy bastard plasmas.

The “Director’s Cut” version of The Ten Commandments includes four
additional, never-before-seen commandments.

Procter & Gamble executives celebrate Satan’s power by drinking
flaming shots of Pantene

Princess Diana was assassinated by NAMBLA.

Sesame Street’s Big Bird exudes an affable, nice-guy nature to
conceal his true, deep-down, serial ritualistic murderer self.

Playing Eminem’s Marshall Mathers EP backwards reveals an unabridged
audio transcript of the Equal Rights Amendment.

Romans did not kill Christ. The Klingons did.

Adolph Hitler enjoyed a lucrative post-war career as a corrupt
Brazilian pool boy.

Everyone was afraid of Virginia Woolf – that is how she got
published.

Delaware is a hallucination.

Steven Spielberg gets his “through the eyes of a child” inspirations
by drinking the blood of children.

Chicago’s water has been spiked with LSD since the ’68 Democratic
Convention.

Under cover of night, stealthy mobs of ninja homosexuals beautify
your neighborhood.

PETA members routinely supplement their protein-deficient diets
with steaming casseroles of human cuticles!

Strom Thurmond prefers “dark meat.”

Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman divorced over “divergent careers.”

The Unabomber was driven to madness by Coleco Electronic Quarterback
handheld football.

The women of MAXIM Magazine are painstakingly retouched, dewrinkled,
deveined, and artificially thinned in Photoshop – PRIOR to having
their pictures taken.

Airwolf’s Ernest Borgnine commands the mysterious CIA black
helicopter squadron.

Corn kernels contain alien biosensors capable of passing through
the body intact.

Log Cabin Republicans secretly coerced confirmation votes in
support of John Ashcroft’s hunky ass.

Bill Gates cheats on his wife by hacking in to teenaged girls’
computers and reading their love poetry!

The amazing products of Ronco are actually surplus CIA technologies.

Blockbuster Video devotes 10% of all profits to the Titanium
Hymen Society.

2001’s California energy crisis was actually due to escaped Gremlins
from San Francisco’s Chinatown.

Lee Harvey Oswald fiercely resented Kennedy’s hairline.

Pop Rocks and Pepsi killed grandpa

“Tourette’s Syndrome” is just smart people having fun.

Frank Purdue suppressed irrefutable evidence that chickens compose
hauntingly beautiful film scores.

Deployment of the International Space Station project has been
delayed by the mischievous poltergeist of Christa MacAuliffe.

Alan Greenspan is an idiot savant who counts on his fingers.

Post-coital smoking killed the dinosaurs.

Nobody wins Lotto.

The Tooth Fairy resells molars at $3.50 a pop.

The Trix Rabbit uses reverse psychology to instill sugar-cereal-
desire in children.

A gluttonous, drug addled, and enraged Elvis Presley choked to
death while trying to swallow his slumbering wife Priscilla.

Department store animatronics’ Christmas displays are bristling
with surveillance equipment.

While you are away, The FBI sneaks into your home and roots through
your old Hustlers.

That was not Elizabeth Taylor accepting the 1960 Best Actress
Academy Award – it was really a pill-popping J. Edgar Hoover in
full drag.

Lyle Lovett was the inspiration for Chia Pets

Walt Disney personally rigged the Florida elections from his
subterranean bunker far beneath Epcot Center.

A tipsy Richard Nixon took the famous photo of a naked John and
Yoko cuddling in bed.

The Billboard Top 40 is determined by intense late-night games of
“Rock, Paper, Scissors.”

Watergate snitch “Deep Throat” and “Deep Throat” star Linda Lovelace
were in fact one and the same.

Sportscaster Bob Costas is really cutting-edge Claymation.

Hillary Clinton did not kill Vince Foster. Chelsea did.

Barry Manilow did not write the songs. He did not even really
sing them.

Eric Clapton pushed that kid out the window.

Interpreting Hotel Brochures

Old world charm …………. No bath

Tropical ……………….. Rainy

Majestic setting ………… A long way from town

Options galore ………….. Nothing is included in the itinerary

Secluded hideaway ……….. Impossible to find or get to

Pre-registered rooms …….. Already occupied

Explore on your own ……… Pay for it yourself

Knowledgeable trip hosts …. They’ve flown in an airplane before

No extra fees …………… No extras

Nominal fee …………….. Outrageous charge

Standard ……………….. Sub-standard

Deluxe …………………. Standard

Superior ……………….. One free shower cap

Cozy …………………… Small

All the amenities ……….. Two free shower caps

Plush ………………….. Top and bottom sheets

Gentle breezes ………….. Occasional Gale-force winds

Light and airy ………….. No air conditioning

Picturesque …………….. Theme park nearby

Concierge ………………. Stand with tourist brochures

Continental breakfast ……. Free muffin

Marketing 1A

Want a simple explanation of Marketing that doesn’t involve endlessly
flipping through that heavy complicated textbook? Just memorize these
easy-to-understand analogies:

You see a handsome man at a party. You go up to him and say, “I’m
fantastic in bed.” That’s Direct Marketing.

You’re at a party with a bunch of friends and you see a handsome man.
One of your friends goes up to him, and pointing at you says, “She’s
fantastic in bed.” That’s Advertising.

You see a handsome man at a party. You go up to him and get his
telephone number. The next day you call and say, “Hi, I’m fantastic in
bed.” That’s Telemarketing.

You’re at a party and see a handsome man. You get up and straighten
your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, “May I?”
and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly
against his arm. You then say, “By the way, I’m fantastic in bed.”
That’s Public Relations.

You’re at a party and see a handsome man. He walks up to you and says,
“I hear you’re fantastic in bed.” That’s Brand Recognition.

You’re at a party and see a handsome man. You talk him into going home
with your friend. That’s a Sales Rep.

Your friend can’t satisfy him so he calls you. That’s Tech Support.

You’re on your way to a party when you realize that there could be
handsome men in all these houses you’re passing. So you climb onto the
roof of one situated toward the center and shout at the top of your
lungs, “I’m fantastic in bed!” That’s Spam.~thanks Stan!

Body Statistics FYI

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).

The average man’s penis is three times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman’s heart beats faster than a man’s.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person’s skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Men who read this are probably still busy checking their thumbs.

What to Do When Riding a Dead Horse?

What to Do When Riding a Dead Horse?

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from one generation to the next, says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.

However, in modern business, because of the heavy investment factors to be taken into consideration, often other strategies have to be tried with dead horses, including the following:

• Buying a stronger whip.
• Changing riders.
• Threatening the horse with termination.
• Appointing a committee to study the horse.
• Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.
• Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
• Appointing an intervention team to re-animate the dead horse.
• Creating a training session to increase the rider’s load share.
• Re-classifying the dead horse as living-impaired.
• Change the form so that it reads: “This horse is not dead.”
• Hire outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
• Harness several dead horses together for increased speed.
• Donate the dead horse to a recognized charity, thereby deducting its original cost.
• Providing additional funding to increase the horse’s performance.
• Do a time management study to see if lighter riders would improve productivity.
• Purchase an after-market product to make dead horses run faster.
• Declare that a dead horse has lower overhead and therefore performs better.
• Form a quality focus group to find profitable uses for dead horses.
• Rewrite the expected performance requirements for horses. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.

Interesting Lesson

An American and a Japanese were sitting on the plane on the way to LA when the American turned to the Japanese and asked, “What kind of -ese are you ?” The Japanese confused, replied, “Sorry but I don’t understand what you mean.” The American repeated, “What kind of -ese are you?”

Again, the Japanese was confused over the question. The American, now irritated, then yelled, “What kind of -ese are you…Are you a Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese, etc……”

The Japanese then replied, “Oh, I am a Japanese.”

A while later the Japanese turned to the Americans and asked what kind of ‘-key’ was he.

The American, frustrated, yelled, “What do you mean what kind of ‘-key’ am I?!”

The Japanese said, “Are you a monkey, donkey or a Yankee?”

Lesson: Never insult anyone.

How would you pronounce this child’s name?

Advice to teachers…………

How would you pronounce this child’s name?

“Le-a”

Leah?? NO Lee – A?? NOPE Lay – a?? NO Lei?? Guess Again.

It’s pronounced “Ledasha.” Oh yes…you read it right.

This child attends a school in Livingston Parish, LA. Her mother is irate because…..everyone is getting her name wrong…… SO, if you see something come across your desk like this, please remember to pronounce it correctly.

When the mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said “the dash don’t be silent.”