Things I have learned from being in the South


THINGS I HAVE LEARNED FROM BEING IN THE SOUTH …

Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.

There are 5,000 types of snakes on earth and 4,998 live in the South.

There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in the South plus a couple
no one’s seen before.

If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites.

Onced and Twiced are words.

It is not a shopping cart; it is a buggy.

People actually grow and eat okra. ‘Fixinto’ is one word.

There is no such thing as ‘lunch.’ There is only dinner and then there is
supper.

Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when
you’re two. We do like a little tea with our sugar!

Backards and forwards means ‘I know everything about you.’

You don’t have to wear a watch because it doesn’t matter what time it is.

You work until you’re done or it’s too dark to see.

You don’t PUSH buttons, you MASH them.

You measure distance in minutes.

Sometimes you have to switch from ‘heat’ to ‘A/C’ in the same day.

‘Fix’ is a verb. Example: ‘I’m fixing to go to the store.’

All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal.

You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both
unlocked.

You know what a ‘DAWG’ is.

You carry jumper cables in your car . . . for your OWN car.

There are only four spices: salt, pepper, Tabasco and ketchup.

The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but
require 6 pages for local gossip and sports.

The first day of deer season is a state holiday.

100 degrees Fahrenheit ‘a little warm.’

We have four seasons: Almost Summer, Summer, still Summer and Christmas.

Going to Wal-mart is a favorite past time known as ‘goin’ Wal-martin’ or
off to ‘Wally World.’

A cool snap (below 70 degrees) is good pinto-bean weather.

A carbonated soft drink isn’t a soda, cola or pop . it’s a Coke, regardless of brand or flavor. Example: ‘What kinda coke you want?’

Fried catfish is the other white meat.

Common Measurements are Pone, Peck, and Sackful.

An Overnight bag is a Wal-Mart sack.

We all own guns and are good shots. Most of them were passed down through the family.

We don’t need no stinking driver’s ed . .. if our mama says we can drive, we can drive.

EVERYONE can’t be a Southerner; it takes talent..

~thanks ACDottie!

Secrets of Personal Growth


Secrets Of Personal Growth

As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I am in touch with my inner sociopath.

I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.

I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else’s fault.

I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself, unless I want to stay employed.

In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.

Having control over myself is almost as good as having control over others.

My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of self-judgment.

I honor my personality flaws for without them I would have no personality at all.

Joan of Arc heard voices too.

I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.

I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper, and complain.

As I learn the innermost secrets of people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.

When someone hurts me, I know that forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit, but not nearly as gratifying.

The first step is to say nice things about myself.
The second, to do nice things for myself.
The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.

As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.

All of me is beautiful, even the ugly, stupid and disgusting parts.

I am at one with my duality.

Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.

Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.

I will strive to live each day as if it were my 69th birthday.

I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.

Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than “I told you so!”

False hope is better than no hope at all.

Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day in my underwear in the Dream Motel. Instead, I will move my computer into the bedroom.

Who can I blame for my problems? Just give me a minute. . . . I’ll find someone.

A good scapegoat is almost as good as a solution.

Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?

The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.

I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.

Becoming aware of my character defects leads me naturally to the next step of blaming my parents.

To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I’m giving as much as I’m getting.

I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.

Before I criticize a man, I walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he’s a mile away and barefoot.

All of the evil that I speak, hear, and see, are pleasurable to me.

The only friend I have…moved to parts unknown.

When counting my blessings, I count backwards from one.

They no longer allow me into the confessional.

The person I admire the most is Elmer Fudd.

I enjoy watching a magazine stand.

Experience shows that people who write, can’t be trusted.

When I am here I wish I was there….and I am.

Thoughts for Today


Thoughts for Today

Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.

When I’m feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor’s dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

He who hesitates is probably right.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are ” XL.”

If you think there is good in everybody, you haven’t met everybody.

If you can smile when things go wrong , you have someone in mind to blame.

There’s always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don’t hurt.

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words “The” and “IRS” together it spells “Theirs.”

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know “why” I look this way. I’ve traveled a long way and some of the roads weren’t paved.

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

AND MY FAVORITE….

The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.

The Librarian


The Librarian

“Do you have any books on how to get organized?”
“Probably, but I have no idea where they are.”

“Do you have any books on deafness?”
“What?”

“Do you have any books on nepotism?”
“Ask my husband; he’s the head librarian.”

“Do you have any books on apathy?”
“I don’t know and I don’t care.”

“Do you have any books on De Sade?”
“Beats me.”

“Do you have any books on goat breeding?”
“Are you kidding?”

“Do you have any books on building self-esteem?”
“Not for stupid, ugly people like you!”

“Do you have any books on phobias?”
“I’m afraid not.”

“Do you have any books on psychiatry?”
“What do you think?”

“Yes, they’re on the shelf over there.”
“Do you have any books on ESP?”

“Do you have any books on Chinese shipping?”
“Oh, no; we don’t handle that junk.”

“Do you have any books on procrastination?”
“No, we haven’t gotten around to ordering them yet.”

“Do you have any books on the Navy?”
“Yes, ‘Over There,’ with the the blue jackets,”

“Do you have any books on orgasms?”
“Yes, come with me.”

“Do you have any books on electricity?”
“Watt we have is not current, but might shed some light on the
subject. Wire you asking?”

~thanks Stan!

New stock market terms


CEO — Chief Embezzlement Officer

CFO — Corporate Fraud Officer

BULL MARKET — A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET — A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

VALUE INVESTING — The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO — The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER — What my broker has made me.

STANDARD & POOR — Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST — Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT — When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

FINANCIAL PLANNER — A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

MARKET CORRECTION — The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW — The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

YAHOO — What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

WINDOWS — What you jump out of when you’re the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR — Past year investor who’s now locked up in a nuthouse.

PROFIT — An archaic word no longer in use.

I was just getting comfortable with English


European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as “Euro-English”.

In the first year, “s” will replace the soft “c”. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.
The hard “c” will be dropped in favour of “k”. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome “ph” will be replaced with “f”. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent “e” in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing “th” with “z” and “w” with “v”.

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary “o” kan be dropd from vords kontaining “ou” and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

The Most Functional English Word


Well, it’s shit … that’s right, shit!

Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.

You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit,
forget shit, and tell others to eat shit.

Some people know their shit,
while others can’t tell the difference between shit and shineola.There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits.
There is bull shit, horse shit, and chicken shit.
You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit,
or duck when the shit hits the fan.

You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.
You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.

Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit,
and some days are just plain shitty.

Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit,
and there are times when you feel like shit.

You can have too much shit, not enough shit,
the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.

You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit,
or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.

Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit
and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.

When you stop to consider all the facts,
it’s the basic building block of the English language.

And remember, once you know your shit, you don’t need to know anything else!!
You could pass this along, if you give a shit; or not do so if you don’t give a shit!

Well, Shit, it’s time for me to go.
Just wanted you to know that I do give a shit
and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of shit.
But, if you happened to catch a load of shit from some shit-head…..
Well, Shit Happens!!!