Just Humor Me

Sunday, May 11, 2008

Xtreme Humor - Sunday Edition - 5/11/08

Filed under: Xtreme Humor, funny, humor, jokes — keboch @ 1:49 pm
Tags:

Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Reasons Hillary Clinton Loves America

10. We have more Dakotas than every other country combined
9. Canadian Bacon: soggy and chewy; American Bacon: crisp and delicious!
8. Thanks to the Internet, I can order new pantsuits 24/7 - there’s your pantsuit joke, Dave. Are you happy?
7. 232 years and not one cookie shortage
6. TiVO
5. Did I mention the soup? Mmmm, soup
5. Did I mention the soup? Mmmm
4. Did you know former President Teddy Roosevelt was an American?
3. Where else can you get a car painted for $29.95?
2. Is this the part where I say, “Live from New York it’s Saturday Night Live!”?
1. We’ve got Regis

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Gotten a Good Joke Lately? Send It In!

vaxhumor@hotmail.com

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Late Night

Iron Man opened this weekend, starring Robert Downey Jr. I like Robert Downey Jr. He’s not prissy like Brad Pitt, and he’s not rugged like Hillary Swank.
~Craig Ferguson

He’s been through a lot. He’s proved that 28 days in rehab is not enough to get you sober.
~Craig Ferguson

Gyweneth Paltrow is also in Iron Man. She plays Iron Man’s sidekick: Anemic Girl.
~Craig Ferguson

Tom Cruise was back on “Oprah Winfrey” today for the first time since he sexually assaulted her couch.
~Jimmy Kimmel

Happy Cinco de Mayo. People love Cinco de Mayo. I saw this one woman throwing back shots of tequila one after the other. Then I realized it was Hillary Clinton working the Latino vote.
~Jay Leno

Actually, Cinco de Mayo is a regional holiday celebrated only in some parts of Mexico. Like Los Angeles and San Diego.
~Jay Leno

Microsoft has offered to buy Yahoo! for $46 billion. I don’t think President Bush understands how these Internet companies work. Like today he said, “Why would Microsoft be interested in a watery chocolate drink?”
~Jay Leno

Roger Clemens continues to deny he has ever used steroids or human growth hormone. But this weekend he placed third in the Kentucky Derby.
~Jay Leno

Yesterday, the entire “Meet the Press” was devoted to Barack Obama while the entire “This Week with George Stephanopoulos” was devoted to Hillary Clinton. Meanwhile, John McCain spent the day watching a “Golden Girls” marathon.
~Conan O’Brien

On Long Island, a Dunkin’ Donuts employee has been arrested because he placed a hidden camera in a Dunkin Donuts bathroom. As punishment, he’s been sentenced to five years in a Taco Bell bathroom.
~Conan O’Brien

Here is something frightening. Oil has now passed $120 a barrel. That’s a new high. You think the Mexicans were celebrating yesterday, you should have seen Saudi Arabians today.
~Jay Leno

The government started mailing out those rebate checks. You get $600 plus $300 for every child you have. Finally, some good news for those Texas polygamists!
~Jay Leno

They’re saying $10 gas by Labor Day. Hillary Clinton says she supports a summer gas tax holiday. I don’t know what that means exactly, but I will says I am in favor of any holiday that doesn’t involve relatives.
~David Letterman

The other day at a campaign stop in Indiana, Barack Obama lost a game of pick-up basketball to a 14-year-old. Meanwhile, across town, Hillary Clinton single-handedly defeated the entire women’s field hockey team.
~Conan O’Brien

Yesterday in North Carolina, former President Clinton gave a campaign speech for Hillary while standing on the back of a pick-up truck. And like all of the speeches Bill Clinton gives in the back of a pick-up truck it began, “You have beautiful eyes.”
~Conan O’Brien

A woman in New York City is angry because Lindsay Lohan left a party wearing the woman’s fur coat. When she heard where the fur coat came from, Lindsay said: “Thank God - I was worried I’d blacked out and killed a pimp.”
~Conan O’Brien

Hillary lost North Carolina, which is huge. They’re saying that the only way for Barack to lose is if he married Bill Clinton.
~Jimmy Kimmel

Will she quit? Not a chance. She will stay in this race for as long as it takes to elect John McCain president.
~Jimmy Kimmel

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A teacher asked her students what religious objects they had in their homes. One boy answered “We have a picture of a woman with a halo holding a baby and every day my mother kneels in front of it.” The next little boy said “We have a brass statue of a man seated with crossed legs and a Chinese face, and every day my parents burn an incense stick before it.” Then a third boy piped up: “In the bathroom we have a little platform with numbers on it. Every day my mother stands on it first thing in the morning and screams “OH MY GOD!!!”

*****

I was preparing to teach a college course on the history of banned
movies and went to the library to take out some films that had been
censored. “Do you have any banned movies in your collection?” I asked the librarian. “Oh, yes!” She answered. “We have some really good ones. What would you like? Tommy Dorsey? Glenn Miller?

*****
The Sunday school teacher was describing how Lot’s wife looked back
and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Johnny interrupted. “My Mommy looked back once while she was driving,” he announced triumphantly, “and she turned into a telephone pole!”

~thanks to Stan Kegel

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A lady and a gentleman were arguing on every subject they discussed. Said the lady, “Sir, we cannot agree on a single thing.” You are wrong, Madam,” he said. “If you should go into a room in which there were two beds,one with a woman in it and the other with a man in it, with whom would you sleep?” “Why, with the lady, of course.” “You see; so would I.”

~thanks to http://lefturn.wordpress.com/
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You can receive funny pix, cartoons and jokes that I post on Just Humor Me blog in your email once a day! I generally post 3 - 5 items a day. Xtreme Humor will be published twice a week on the blog.

Go to http://keboch.wordpress.com/subscribe/
IMPORTANT!
You will then receive an email to confirm your subscription. Click on the link in your confirmation email…and you’re done!
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One day while returning to my desk after a routine call, one of our
blonde female employees flagged me down and asked for help.
“My floppy drive won’t work, can you help me?”
I told her I’d take a look and proceeded over to her machine, where I found shredded up clear plastic Baggie-like stuff hanging out of her 3.5″ floppy drive.
While I spent the next 20 minutes getting her disk out and digging
out the plastic, I noticed two guys in the corner of the office
trying awful hard to keep a straight face.
suspecting some mischief, I asked her how the plastic got into the
drive.”Oh, you mean the condom!”"Condom?”
“Yes, John & Dave over there told me to always put a condom on my
disk before inserting it, to prevent catching viruses”
by this point John & Dave were roaring and it was all I could do to
keep from joining them. The “condom” turned out to be a standard 3.5″ plastic sleeve.
I delicately explained to her that a practical joke had been played
and she shouldn’t do that anymore.
then she asked in a dead-serious voice:”Does that mean I don’t have
to stroke it ten times or blow on it either?”

~thanks to garythexton

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These three men went in business together and the first one said: “I put up sixty- five percent of the capital, so I’m the president and chairman of the board.” “I put up thirty percent of the money,” said the second,”so I’m appointing myself vice president, secretary, and
treasure.” “Well I put up five percent,” pointed the third partner.
“What’s that make me?” The chairman said, “I’m appointing you vice
president of sex and music.” “That sounds mighty fine,” said the third man, “but what does it mean?” It means that when I want your fucking advice, I’ll whistle.”

~thanks to num

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One evening after dinner, my five-year-old son Brian noticed that his mother had gone out. In answer to his questions, I told him, “Mommy is at a Tupperware party.”

This explanation satisfied him for only a moment. Puzzled, he asked, “What’s a Tupperware party, Dad?”

I’ve always given my son honest answers, so I figured a simple explanation would be the best approach. “Well, Brian,” I said, “at a Tupperware party, a bunch of ladies sit around and sell plastic bowls to each other.”

Brian nodded, indicating that he understood this curious pastime. Then he burst into laughter. “Come on, Dad,” he said. “What is it really?”

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Check out a fun blog by a fellow subscriber!

http://stuffwhitedbagslike.wordpress.com/
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…one of my favorites!

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old
hockey players aside and asked, “Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?”

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

“Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?”

The little boy nodded yes.

“So,” the coach continued, “I’m sure you know, when a penalty is called, you shouldn’t argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-head.”

Do you understand all that?”

Again the little boy nodded.

He continued, “And when I call you off the ice so that another boy gets a chance to play, it’s not good sportsmanship to call your coach ‘a dumb asshole’, is it?”

Again the little boy nodded.

“Good,” said the coach. “Now go over there and explain all that to your mother.”

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A man is waiting in line for a hit movie. Behind him are two women. The usher comes along and says that he has two seats together. Seeing the problem, the usher says to the man, “Let them go first. You wouldn’t want to separate a woman from her mother, would you?”

The man says, “No, sir. I did that once, and I’ve been sorry ever since.”

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Q: What’s the difference is between a Jewish mother and an
Italian one?
A: An Italian mother says “Eat your dinner or I’ll kill you.”
A Jewish mother says “Eat your dinner or I’ll kill myself.”

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“Mom, how did I get my name?” asked a boy “I name all my children after the first thing I see on the way to the hospital. Like your sister’s name is Running Deer and your brother’s name is Crawling Lizard. Why do you ask, Two Dogs Pee?”

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Xtreme Parting Thought

Working mothers are guinea pigs in a scientific experiment to show that sleep is not necessary to human life.
That’s a wrap…exit, stage left.

Mother’s Day

Filed under: cartoons, funny, humor, jokes, pictures, signs — keboch @ 8:44 am
Tags:

A Salute to Moms!

moms

sharpie

weighting

A MOTHER’S DICTIONARY

A - ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now
growing in the middle.

B - BATHROOM: A room used by the entire family, believed by all except
Mom to be self-cleaning.

C - COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

D - DATE: Infrequent outings with Dad where Mom can enjoy worrying
about the kids in a different setting.

E - EMPTY NEST: See “WISHFUL THINKING.”

F - FABLE: A story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew.

G - GUM: Adhesive for the hair.

H - HINDSIGHT: What Mom experiences from changing too many diapers.

I - INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

J - JUNK: Dad’s stuff.

K - KISS: Mom’s medicine.

L - LEMONADE STAND: Complicated business venture where Mom buys
powdered mix, sugar, lemons, and paper cups, and sets up a table,
chairs, pitchers and ice for kids who sit there for three to six
minutes and next a profit of 15 cents.

M - MAYBE: No.

N - NAIL POLISH: part of an assortment of make-up items such as
lipstick, eyeliner, blush etc. which ironically make Mom look better
while making her young daughter look “like a tramp.”

O - OVERSTUFFED RECLINER: Mom’s nickname for Dad.

P - PANIC: What a mother goes through when the darn wind-up swing stops.
Q - QUIET: A state of household serenity which occurs before the birth
of the first child and occurs again after the last child has left for
college.

R - REFRIGERATOR: Combination art gallery and air-conditioner for the
kitchen.

S - SPOILED ROTTEN: What the kids become after as little as 15 minutes
with Grandma.

T - TOWELS: See “FLOOR COVERINGS”.

U - UNDERWEAR: An article of clothing, the cleanliness of which ensures
the wearer will never have an accident.

V - VACATION: Where you take the family to get away from it all, only
to find it there, too.

W - WALLS: Complete set of drawing paper for kids that comes with every
room.

X - XOXOXOXOXO: Mom salutation guaranteed to make the already
embarrassing note in a kid’s lunch box even more mortifying.

Y - “YIPPEE!”: What mother’s shout the first day of school.

Z - ZUCCHINI: Vegetable which can be baked, boiled, fried or steamed
before kids refuse to eat it.

mom card

don't forget mom

daughter conference

HOW TO KNOW WHETHER OR NOT YOU ARE READY TO HAVE CHILDREN…*

MESS TEST
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind
the couch and leave it there all summer.

TOY TEST
Obtain a 55 gallon box of Legos (or you may substitute roofing tacks).
Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to
walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream because this would wake a
child at night.

GROCERY STORE TEST
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you
as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or
damage.

DRESSING TEST
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag
making sure that all the arms stay inside.

FEEDING TEST
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from
the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls
of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an
airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

NIGHT TEST
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of
sand.
Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00 p.m. begin to waltz and hum with
the bag until 9:00p.m. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:
00p.m. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever
heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00a.m. Set
alarm for 5:00 a.m. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years.
Look cheerful.

INGENUITY TEST
Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it
into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an
attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil.
Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa
Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.

AUTOMOBILE TEST
Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone
and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime. Stick
it into the cassette player. Take a family size package of chocolate
chip cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Run a garden rake along both
sides of the car.
There, perfect.

PHYSICAL TEST (Women)
Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of your
clothes.
Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans.

PHYSICAL TEST (Men)
Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the
clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the
head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to
the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the
last time.

FINAL ASSIGNMENT
Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they
can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training and
child’s table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve.

Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run
wild.

Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the
answers.

dog crap

big baby

student mom

Yo momma so old she was a waitress at the Last Supper.

Yo momma so fat, when she went out side in a red dress, everyone yelled, “HEY, KOOL-AID!”

Yo Momma so poor she was in K-Mart with a box of Hefty bags. I said, “What ya doin’?” She said, “Buying luggage.”

Yo momma so short she gotta slam-dunk her bus fare!

Yo momma so stupid she sold her car for gasoline money!

Yo momma so ugly when she joined an ugly contest, they said, “Sorry, No Professionals.”

clean up

Saturday, May 10, 2008

More on Gas Prices

Filed under: cartoons, funny, humor — keboch @ 10:06 am
Tags:

feed wife and cars

Please Die Somewhere Else…

Filed under: funny, humor, pictures, signs — keboch @ 10:05 am
Tags:

dying

Notice!

Filed under: funny, humor, pictures, signs — keboch @ 10:05 am
Tags:

harassment

A BIG *SS License Plate

Filed under: funny, humor, pictures — keboch @ 10:00 am
Tags:

As Seen on a 1996 Impala SS

mybigss

~thanks to TheJarvis!

Friday, May 9, 2008

Calling Pamela Maxwell…

Filed under: funny, humor, pictures, signs — keboch @ 8:02 am
Tags:

bad check

Violin Practice

Filed under: cartoons, funny, humor — keboch @ 8:01 am
Tags:

I should have done this when my daughter started up the clarinet…sounded like the cows were dying!

practice

Gas Prices!

Filed under: funny, humor, pictures, signs — keboch @ 7:59 am
Tags:

gas prices

Thursday, May 8, 2008

I don’t know what to say…

Filed under: funny, humor, pictures — keboch @ 8:17 am
Tags:

yuck

 

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