Xtreme Humor - Sunday Edition - 5/11/08
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Reasons Hillary Clinton Loves America
10. We have more Dakotas than every other country combined
9. Canadian Bacon: soggy and chewy; American Bacon: crisp and delicious!
8. Thanks to the Internet, I can order new pantsuits 24/7 - there’s your pantsuit joke, Dave. Are you happy?
7. 232 years and not one cookie shortage
6. TiVO
5. Did I mention the soup? Mmmm, soup
5. Did I mention the soup? Mmmm
4. Did you know former President Teddy Roosevelt was an American?
3. Where else can you get a car painted for $29.95?
2. Is this the part where I say, “Live from New York it’s Saturday Night Live!”?
1. We’ve got Regis
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Late Night
Iron Man opened this weekend, starring Robert Downey Jr. I like Robert Downey Jr. He’s not prissy like Brad Pitt, and he’s not rugged like Hillary Swank.
~Craig Ferguson
He’s been through a lot. He’s proved that 28 days in rehab is not enough to get you sober.
~Craig Ferguson
Gyweneth Paltrow is also in Iron Man. She plays Iron Man’s sidekick: Anemic Girl.
~Craig Ferguson
Tom Cruise was back on “Oprah Winfrey” today for the first time since he sexually assaulted her couch.
~Jimmy Kimmel
Happy Cinco de Mayo. People love Cinco de Mayo. I saw this one woman throwing back shots of tequila one after the other. Then I realized it was Hillary Clinton working the Latino vote.
~Jay Leno
Actually, Cinco de Mayo is a regional holiday celebrated only in some parts of Mexico. Like Los Angeles and San Diego.
~Jay Leno
Microsoft has offered to buy Yahoo! for $46 billion. I don’t think President Bush understands how these Internet companies work. Like today he said, “Why would Microsoft be interested in a watery chocolate drink?”
~Jay Leno
Roger Clemens continues to deny he has ever used steroids or human growth hormone. But this weekend he placed third in the Kentucky Derby.
~Jay Leno
Yesterday, the entire “Meet the Press” was devoted to Barack Obama while the entire “This Week with George Stephanopoulos” was devoted to Hillary Clinton. Meanwhile, John McCain spent the day watching a “Golden Girls” marathon.
~Conan O’Brien
On Long Island, a Dunkin’ Donuts employee has been arrested because he placed a hidden camera in a Dunkin Donuts bathroom. As punishment, he’s been sentenced to five years in a Taco Bell bathroom.
~Conan O’Brien
Here is something frightening. Oil has now passed $120 a barrel. That’s a new high. You think the Mexicans were celebrating yesterday, you should have seen Saudi Arabians today.
~Jay Leno
The government started mailing out those rebate checks. You get $600 plus $300 for every child you have. Finally, some good news for those Texas polygamists!
~Jay Leno
They’re saying $10 gas by Labor Day. Hillary Clinton says she supports a summer gas tax holiday. I don’t know what that means exactly, but I will says I am in favor of any holiday that doesn’t involve relatives.
~David Letterman
The other day at a campaign stop in Indiana, Barack Obama lost a game of pick-up basketball to a 14-year-old. Meanwhile, across town, Hillary Clinton single-handedly defeated the entire women’s field hockey team.
~Conan O’Brien
Yesterday in North Carolina, former President Clinton gave a campaign speech for Hillary while standing on the back of a pick-up truck. And like all of the speeches Bill Clinton gives in the back of a pick-up truck it began, “You have beautiful eyes.”
~Conan O’Brien
A woman in New York City is angry because Lindsay Lohan left a party wearing the woman’s fur coat. When she heard where the fur coat came from, Lindsay said: “Thank God - I was worried I’d blacked out and killed a pimp.”
~Conan O’Brien
Hillary lost North Carolina, which is huge. They’re saying that the only way for Barack to lose is if he married Bill Clinton.
~Jimmy Kimmel
Will she quit? Not a chance. She will stay in this race for as long as it takes to elect John McCain president.
~Jimmy Kimmel
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A teacher asked her students what religious objects they had in their homes. One boy answered “We have a picture of a woman with a halo holding a baby and every day my mother kneels in front of it.” The next little boy said “We have a brass statue of a man seated with crossed legs and a Chinese face, and every day my parents burn an incense stick before it.” Then a third boy piped up: “In the bathroom we have a little platform with numbers on it. Every day my mother stands on it first thing in the morning and screams “OH MY GOD!!!”
*****
I was preparing to teach a college course on the history of banned
movies and went to the library to take out some films that had been
censored. “Do you have any banned movies in your collection?” I asked the librarian. “Oh, yes!” She answered. “We have some really good ones. What would you like? Tommy Dorsey? Glenn Miller?
*****
The Sunday school teacher was describing how Lot’s wife looked back
and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Johnny interrupted. “My Mommy looked back once while she was driving,” he announced triumphantly, “and she turned into a telephone pole!”
~thanks to Stan Kegel
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A lady and a gentleman were arguing on every subject they discussed. Said the lady, “Sir, we cannot agree on a single thing.” You are wrong, Madam,” he said. “If you should go into a room in which there were two beds,one with a woman in it and the other with a man in it, with whom would you sleep?” “Why, with the lady, of course.” “You see; so would I.”
~thanks to http://lefturn.wordpress.com/
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One day while returning to my desk after a routine call, one of our
blonde female employees flagged me down and asked for help.
“My floppy drive won’t work, can you help me?”
I told her I’d take a look and proceeded over to her machine, where I found shredded up clear plastic Baggie-like stuff hanging out of her 3.5″ floppy drive.
While I spent the next 20 minutes getting her disk out and digging
out the plastic, I noticed two guys in the corner of the office
trying awful hard to keep a straight face.
suspecting some mischief, I asked her how the plastic got into the
drive.”Oh, you mean the condom!”"Condom?”
“Yes, John & Dave over there told me to always put a condom on my
disk before inserting it, to prevent catching viruses”
by this point John & Dave were roaring and it was all I could do to
keep from joining them. The “condom” turned out to be a standard 3.5″ plastic sleeve.
I delicately explained to her that a practical joke had been played
and she shouldn’t do that anymore.
then she asked in a dead-serious voice:”Does that mean I don’t have
to stroke it ten times or blow on it either?”
~thanks to garythexton
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These three men went in business together and the first one said: “I put up sixty- five percent of the capital, so I’m the president and chairman of the board.” “I put up thirty percent of the money,” said the second,”so I’m appointing myself vice president, secretary, and
treasure.” “Well I put up five percent,” pointed the third partner.
“What’s that make me?” The chairman said, “I’m appointing you vice
president of sex and music.” “That sounds mighty fine,” said the third man, “but what does it mean?” It means that when I want your fucking advice, I’ll whistle.”
~thanks to num
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One evening after dinner, my five-year-old son Brian noticed that his mother had gone out. In answer to his questions, I told him, “Mommy is at a Tupperware party.”
This explanation satisfied him for only a moment. Puzzled, he asked, “What’s a Tupperware party, Dad?”
I’ve always given my son honest answers, so I figured a simple explanation would be the best approach. “Well, Brian,” I said, “at a Tupperware party, a bunch of ladies sit around and sell plastic bowls to each other.”
Brian nodded, indicating that he understood this curious pastime. Then he burst into laughter. “Come on, Dad,” he said. “What is it really?”
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Check out a fun blog by a fellow subscriber!
http://stuffwhitedbagslike.wordpress.com/
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…one of my favorites!
At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old
hockey players aside and asked, “Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?”
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
“Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?”
The little boy nodded yes.
“So,” the coach continued, “I’m sure you know, when a penalty is called, you shouldn’t argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-head.”
Do you understand all that?”
Again the little boy nodded.
He continued, “And when I call you off the ice so that another boy gets a chance to play, it’s not good sportsmanship to call your coach ‘a dumb asshole’, is it?”
Again the little boy nodded.
“Good,” said the coach. “Now go over there and explain all that to your mother.”
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A man is waiting in line for a hit movie. Behind him are two women. The usher comes along and says that he has two seats together. Seeing the problem, the usher says to the man, “Let them go first. You wouldn’t want to separate a woman from her mother, would you?”
The man says, “No, sir. I did that once, and I’ve been sorry ever since.”
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Q: What’s the difference is between a Jewish mother and an
Italian one?
A: An Italian mother says “Eat your dinner or I’ll kill you.”
A Jewish mother says “Eat your dinner or I’ll kill myself.”
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“Mom, how did I get my name?” asked a boy “I name all my children after the first thing I see on the way to the hospital. Like your sister’s name is Running Deer and your brother’s name is Crawling Lizard. Why do you ask, Two Dogs Pee?”
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Xtreme Parting Thought
Working mothers are guinea pigs in a scientific experiment to show that sleep is not necessary to human life.
That’s a wrap…exit, stage left.
