Xtreme Humor – Wednesday Edition 5/14/08


Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Things Saddam Hussein Would Say If He Were Alive Today

10. “Let me guess – Bush still hasn’t caught Osama”
9. “Have I missed any big developments in beret technology?”
8. “I’m not sure I want to live in a world where Star Jones is getting divorced”
7. “It’s nice to see a stable Iraq”
6. “Free Wesley Snipes!”
5. “Please tell me Meredith and McDreamy finally got together”
4. “No number 4 – writer hiding in spiderhole
3. “Damn these rope burns – anyone got a turtleneck?”
2. “I may have been a brutal dictator, but I kept gas prices under two dollars”
1. “Compared to Fallujah, Hell ain’t too bad”

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Gotten a Good Joke Lately? Send It In!

vaxhumor@hotmail.com

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Late Night

This Sunday is Mother’s Day. Now if you haven’t gotten your mom a gift yet, you can’t go wrong with a gallon of gasoline. It’s a little pricey, but hey, you only have one mom.
~Jay Leno

They say the Clinton campaign is out of money. And today Republicans asked, “How much do you need?”
~Jay Leno

Tough night for Hillary. Though she’s losing, she says there are still six states left. Barack Obama is favored in Oregon, Montana, and South Dakota, and Hillary is favored in the state of denial.
~Conan O’Brien

In Los Angeles, a judge has ruled that Britney Spears can spend Mother’s Day with her kids. Her kids are thrilled because they’ve never been to a nightclub.
~Conan O’Brien

Lindsay Lohan’s mom Dena was named one of Long Island’s top 20 mothers of celebrities. It’s a Mother’s Day award, and I’m told it’s going to go up on the mantel next to her Mother-Daughter Jello-Shot Championship trophy.
~Jimmy Kimmel

The pundits say Hillary Clinton’s campaign will most likely survive until mid-June. On the Republican side, they say they are optimistic that John McCain will also survive until at least mid-June.
~Jay Leno

I’m getting inspired by Hillary Clinton. Maybe I won’t leave either.
~Jay Leno

Hillary Clinton is a fighter. Too bad her campaign is running out of money. And they’re not paying their bills. Here’s what happened today: A collection agency repoed her pantsuit.
~David Letterman

She has one thing in common with President Bush: Neither of them has an exit strategy.
~David Letterman

I’m sure it is comforting to people about to lose their houses to foreclosure to know that Congress is acting quickly on the Grand Theft Auto fake-violence crisis.
~Craig Ferguson

Next thing, Congress will be grilling characters from the video games.
~Craig Ferguson

President Bush’s daughter, Jenna, is getting married this weekend in Crawford, Texas. It’s going to be a relatively small wedding with only her family’s loved ones – the CEOs of the five major oil companies.
~Jay Leno

I was going to get my mom something special for Mother’s Day, but then I realized she’s already going to get that economic stimulus check.
~David Letterman

Right now, Barack Obama is trailing in the polls in West Virginia, and political experts say it’s because Barack doesn’t have a lot in common with West Virginia voters. After hearing this, Barack said, “Thank God.”
~Conan O’Brien

Nelson Mandela has invited Amy Winehouse to perform at a concert celebrating his birthday. Winehouse says she admires Mandela and would love to be there, but it’s the same night she’s scheduled to punch out a fireman.
~Conan O’Brien

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TNT PLAYROOMZ
TV BLOOPERZ
‘You can’t see that on Telivision’!!!
But you can see it here!!!!!!
Yes….that really was your favorite
actress picking her undies from her butt.
That actor that just slipped on that used condom???
You got it….your favorite.
Join us and catch all the scenes they don’t show you on television!!!!!
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Our-Gang@yahoogroups.com
It’s an adult group with jokes and just chitter chatter of all kinds
with the exception of religious and political debate but religious or
political jokes are okay…adult cartoons okay also this list isn’t for
the easily offended.
http://tech.groups.yahoo.com/group/Our-Gang/
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Today’s Newsletter is being produced by Ron Meedy and Jeremy Oaker.
This has been a Meady/Oaker production.

*****

When I was a kid, my dad and I had a running joke. If anyone asked
what he did for a living, I was to reply, “He’s a sports mechanic. He fixes boxing matches and horse races.” Once, I answered a teacher this way. She flipped out and summoned my parents. Dad calmed her down by explaining it was a joke. “So what do you do?” she asked. Dad, a sales rep for a pharmaceutical company, calmly said, “I sell drugs.”

*****
This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas, but there are more catholic churches than casinos. Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed. Since they get chips from many
different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings. The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby
Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in. This is done by the chip monks.

~thanks to Stan Kegel

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Good Morning Villagers!
Impish Dragon’s Dragon Laffs is an adult ezine with jokes, cartoons,
commentary and just about anything that I feel like throwing in without being tasteless or grotesque.
We publish several times a week, are kinda pro-military and are really good at laughing away the world’s B.S. one joke at at time.
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A hilarious selection of clean and adult
toons sent to you once daily.
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A young blonde, having just returned from a great week-long vacation
in South America, walked into the local bank and asked about
exchanging currency. The teller said he would try to help her.
After she plopped a huge wad of bills onto the counter the teller
then counted it, made a phone call, and returned to count out
$27.18.
The wide-eyed woman gasped. “You mean to tell me that’s all I
get for that mountain of bills?”
“I’m afraid so Miss,” replied the teller, “that’s the current
rate of exchange according to our foreign exchange section.”
“God damn it” she hissed, “and I gave that cheap fuck
breakfast, too! ”

~thanks to http://lefturn.wordpress.com/
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You can receive funny pix, cartoons and jokes that I post on Just Humor Me blog in your email once a day! I generally post 3 – 5 items a day. Xtreme Humor will be published twice a week on the blog.

Go to https://keboch.wordpress.com/subscribe/
IMPORTANT!
You will then receive an email to confirm your subscription. Click on the link in your confirmation email…and you’re done!
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An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about ‘What time of night is this to be getting home? Where have you been?’ Dinner is cold and I’m not reheating it’. And on and on and on. Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs. While he was in the bath, the phone rang.

The wife answered and was told that her husband’s client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight. Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

‘They’re not hanging Wright tonight,’ she said.

To which he whirled around and screamed, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN, DON’T YOU EVER STOP?”

~thanks to garythexton

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While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco, a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquired, “Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?”
“I’m listening to the music of the tree,” the other man replied. “You’ve gotta be kiddin’ me.”
“No, would you like to give it a try?” Understandably curious, the man says, “Well, OK…” So he wrapped his arms around the tree & pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left. Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, “What the heck happened to you?” He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there. When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, “This justain’t gonna be your day, cupcake…”

~thanks to num

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Mexican word for the day: JUICY

Hey Vato I will roll da joint, and you tell me if JUICY THE COPS

~thanks to RSommers

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Check out a fun blog by a fellow subscriber!

http://stuffwhitedbagslike.wordpress.com/

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A company was looking to hire someone for an important position so
they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three people from different parts of Canada. In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours, and the one with the best answer would get
the job. The question was: A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The
woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side facing the woman’s back. What is the man’s name?
After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their
answers. The first from Vancouver, says, “My answer is, there is no
answer.” The second, from Toronto, says, “My answer is, that there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were given. The third one from Newfoundland says, “I’m not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names. It’s either: Willie Turner or Willie Nailer.” The Newfoundlander got the job.

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Instead of Astrological Signs, how about:

What’s Your Business Sign?

1) MARKETING
You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.

2) SALES
Laziest of all signs, often referred to as “marketing without a degree.” You are also self centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with customers so you can “concentrate on the big picture.” You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.

3) TECHNOLOGY
Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don’t understand what you are saying but who the hell can tell. It is written that Geeks shall inherit the Earth.

4) ENGINEERING
One of only two signs that actually studied in school. It is said that ninety percent of all Personal Ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself; your office is full of all the latest “ergo dynamic” gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your “carpal tunnel syndrome.”

5) ACCOUNTING
The only other sign that studied in school. You are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.

6) HUMAN RESOURCES
Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch AND then mail a letter.

7) MANAGEMENT/MIDDLE MANAGEMENT
Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other “Middle Managers” as everyone in your social circle is a “Middle Manager.”

8 ) SENIOR MANAGEMENT
(See above – Same sign, different title)

9) CUSTOMER SERVICE
Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty cent cab ride from taking your own life. As children very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play “Customer Service.” Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your manager.

10) CONSULTANT
Lacking any specific knowledge, you use acronyms to avoid revealing your utter lack of experience. You have convinced yourself that your skills” are in demand and that you could get a higher paying job with any other organization in a heartbeat. You will spend an eternity contemplating these career opportunities without ever taking direct action.

11) RECRUITER, “HEADHUNTER”
As a “person” that profits from the success of others, you are disdained by most people who actually work for a living. Paid on commission and susceptible to alcoholism, your ulcers and frequent heart attacks correspond directly with fluctuations in the stock market.

12) PARTNER, PRESIDENT, CEO
You are brilliant or lucky. Your inability to figure out complex systems such as the fax machine suggest the latter.

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Blondie, the new bride’s diary:

Monday
It’s fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.

Tuesday
Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn’t dress. What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper.

Wednesday
A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway. I can’t say it improved the rice any.

Thursday
Today Tom asked for salad again I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients; lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Tom asked me why I was rolling around in the garden..

Friday
I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.

Saturday
Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I don’t have any clothes that fit it, and for some reason Tom keeps counting to ten.

Sunday
Tom’s folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius.. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.

GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week! I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Tom. If I can talk Tom into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with a chocolate moose.

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Q: What is an Arkansas fortune cookie?
A: A biscuit with a food stamp inside.
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Xtreme Parting Thought

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

That’s a wrap…exit, stage left.

5 thoughts on “Xtreme Humor – Wednesday Edition 5/14/08

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