Xtreme Humor – Wednesday Edition 6/25/08


Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Signs You’re Drinking Too Much Coffee

10. Your blood type has been reclassified as “espresso”
9. Every morning you go for a quick 47 mile jog
8. As soon as California legalized gay marriage, you got engaged to Mr. Coffee
7. Your after-shave? Hazelnut non-dairy creamer
6. You’re tapping your leg like Larry Craig in a men’s room stall
5. A Starbucks just opened in your basement
4. Your last words before bypass surgery: “Tell Juan Valdez I love him”
3. Average 80 blinks per minute
2. You named your kids “Tall,” “Grande,” and “Venti”
1. Unable to sleep, you actually watch “The Late Show”

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Gotten a Good Joke Lately? Send It In!

vaxhumor@hotmail.com

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Late Night

Barack Obama has said he will visit Iraq. Or as John McCain still calls it, Mesopotamia.
~Jay Leno

A new poll shows less than 1 out of 4 Americans now thinks President Bush is doing a good job. That means when President Bush is having dinner with his wife and two daughters, he’s the only one at the table who thinks he’s doing a good job.
~Jay Leno

The Mars Lander has found traces of ice and salt on Mars. Now, it’s looking for tequila.
~David Letterman

Residents of a Romanian village decided to re-elect their dead mayor rather than elect the younger one running against him. When he heard about it, John McCain said, “That’s a good sign.”
~Conan O’Brien

Paul McCartney is 66 years old today. Isn’t that the number of the beast?
~Craig Ferguson

Michelle Obama was a guest on “The View,” yesterday. She beat up Joy Behar and made out with Elisabeth Hasselbeck.
~Craig Ferguson

Hillary Clinton is taking a month off from her job as senator to rest up from her campaign. How does that work? You’ve been neglecting your job trying to get a better job. You don’t get that job, so you to take a month off from the job you were trying to get out of and go on vacation. Imagine if you tried that with your boss. “Hey boss, listen – I’ve been looking for another job, and I’m exhausted. I want to take a month off. Here’s where you can send my checks.”
~Jay Leno

Michelle Obama, Barack Obama’s wife, was on “The View” yesterday. She managed to do something on that show that no one else has ever done: She got a word in edgewise.
~Jay Leno

Today is Paula Abdul’s birthday. Her friends had a surprise party for her. And someone asked her, “Were you surprised?” And she said, “Yeah – I had no idea it was my birthday.”
~Jay Leno

Gay people are now allowed to marry in the state of California. Today, Iron Man married The Hulk.
~David Letterman

Tomorrow is the longest day of the year. Happens every year. That’s right – I’m having lunch with Regis.
~David Letterman

Britney Spears says she’s going to move back to Louisiana for a month to help her 17 year-old sister raise her new baby. Britney says she’ll spend the first couple of days getting to know the baby – and the rest of the month teaching it to drive.
~Conan O’Brien

In California, Americans are flocking to Tijuana, Mexico to fill up their cars because gas is 50 percent cheaper there. Even better, the gas is free if you take two Mexicans home in your trunk.
~Conan O’Brien

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Join This Group If You Like Adult Laughter
Over 21 Jokes
Adult Jokes and Adult Cartoons
No Nudity UNLESS RELATED TO HUMOR & No Chat
To Join Click
over21jokes-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
You will get about 50+ emails a day

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

A couple was driving through the countryside in an old, beat-up
Volkswagen. The fertile quiet of the scenery began to inspire some
lascivious thoughts, so they decided to pull over to the side of the
road. The girl quickly jumped out of the cramped car, stripped, lay
spread-eagle on the lush, green grass, and waited. And waited. And waited. “Honey,” she yelled, “if you don’t get out of that Volkswagen real quick, I won’t be in the mood much longer!” “Baby,” he lamented, “If I don’t get out of the mood, I won’t get out of this here Volkswagen!”

*****

Why is the Nuclear Regulatory Commission so concerned every time Mr. Sandler releases a new film?

It could be another “Adam Bomb”

*****

What do you call it when people put names on the back of sports shirts?

Clothes Captioning

~thanks to Stan Kegel

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

S & T Sexy Women
Cum, join in and see hot, sexy women teasing you.
Get 5 pictures of women non-nude (but close) sent to
your inbox a few times a week. To join, send a blank
e-mail to sandt_sexywomen-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
or check out the home page at
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/sandt_sexywomen
Must be 18 or older to join

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I was sitting in a cafeteria recently, next to a woman who was engrossed in her newspaper. One of the headlines blared: “12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed.” She shook her head at the sad news.
Then, turning to me, asked, “How many is a Brazilian?”

~thanks to http://lefturn.wordpress.com/

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

You can receive funny pix, cartoons and jokes that I post on Just Humor Me blog in your email once a day! I generally post 3 – 5 items a day. Xtreme Humor will be published twice a week on the blog.

Go to https://keboch.wordpress.com/subscribe/
IMPORTANT!
You will then receive an email to confirm your subscription. Click on the link in your confirmation email…and you’re done!

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

A man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a handgun.

He shouts “this is a raid everyone get on the floor!!”, and proceeds to empty the cash drawers.

As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off his balaclava.

The robber immediately shoots the customer in the head and shouts.. “Did anybody else here see my face?”

The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter and goes over and shoots him in the head also.

“Did anybody else see my face?” he shouts again, waving his gun around.

There is silence for a few seconds before a male voice is heard from a distant corner..

“I think my missus caught a glimpse.”

~thanks to garythexton

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

A little boy blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all
around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop
it as he’s liable to break something, but the boy continues.

“Johnny!” Mom screams. “Knock it off.” You’re going to break
something. He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the shopping center.

Johnny starts up with the balloon again after his mom has left
for the store. He gives it one last flick and it lands in the
toilet where he leaves it.

Mom comes in and while putting away the grocery gets the urge,
A diarrhea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time
and SPLASH, out it comes.

When she’s finished, she looks down and can’t believe what
she’s seeing.
She’s not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She
calls her doctor. The doctor is baffled as she describes the
situation, but he assures her he’ll be over shortly to examine
everything.

When he arrives she leads him to the bath room and he gets
down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing.
Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see
what it might be and POP !
The balloon explodes and poop is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc.
“Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?” she asks.
He says, “I’ve been in this business for over 30 years, and
this is the first time I’ve ever actually seen a fart !”

You’re laughing aren’t you…I know you are!!!

~thanks to RSommers

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

A Kentucky couple, both bona fide rednecks, had 9 children.

They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband “fixed”.

The doctor gladly started the required procedure
and asked them what finally made them make the decision,
why after nine children, would they choose to do this.

The husband replied that they had read in a recent article
that one out of every ten children being born in the United States was Mexican, and they didn’t want to take a chance on having a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

As you read, just picture what is taking place!

(This is just too funny! This could only be true; you simply can’t Make this stuff up! Oh, for you who don’t know this: Dillard’s is a nice department store.) THE DILLARD’S SHOPPING TRIP

Clutching their Dillard’s shopping bags, Ellen and Kay woefully Gazed down at a dead cat in the mall parking lot. Obviously a Recent hit…no flies, no smell. ‘What business could that poor kitty Have had here?’ murmured Ellen.

‘Come on, Ellen, let’s just go…’

But Ellen had already grabbed her shopping bag and was explaining, ‘I’ll just put my things in your bag, and then I’ll use this tissue.’ She dumped her purchases into Kay’s bag and then used the tissue Paper to cradle and lower the former feline into her own Dillard’s Bag and cover it.

They continued the short trek to the car in silence, stashing their Goods in the trunk. But it occurred to both of them that if they left Ellen’s burial bag in the trunk, warmed by the TEXAS sunshine while They ate, Kay’s Lumina would soon lose that new-car smell.

They decided to leave the bag on top of the trunk, and they headed Over to Luby’s Cafeteria. After they went through the serving line And they sat down at a window table. They had a view of Kay’s Chevy With the Dillard’s bag still on the trunk.

BUT not for long! As they ate, they noticed a woman in a red gingham Shirt stroll by their car. She looked quickly this way and that, and then Took the Dillard’s bag without breaking stride. She quickly walked out Of their line of vision.

Kay and Ellen shot each other a wide-eyed look of amazement. It all Happened so fast that neither of them could think how to respond. ‘Can you imagine?’ finally sputtered Ellen. ‘The nerve of that woman!’

Kay sympathized with Ellen, but inwardly a laugh was building as she Thought about the grand surprise awaiting the female thief. Just when She thought she’d have to giggle into her napkin, she noticed Ellen’s Eyes freeze in the direction of the serving line.

Following her gaze, Kay recognized the woman in the red gingham shirt With THE Dillard’s bag hanging from her arm. She was brazenly pushing Her tray toward the cashier. Helplessly they watched the scene unfold:

After leaving the register, the woman settled at a table across from Theirs, put the bag on an empty chair and began to eat.

After a few bites of baked whitefish and green beans, she casually Lifted the bag into her lap to survey her treasure. Looking from side To side, but not far enough to notice her rapt audience three tables Over, she pulled out the tissue paper and peered into the bag. Her eyes widened, and she began to make a sort of gasping noise. The noise grew. The bag slid from her lap as she sank to the floor, Wheezing and clutching her upper chest.

The beverage cart attendant quickly recognized a customer in Trouble and sent the busboy to call 911, while she administered The Heimlich maneuver. A crowd quickly gathered that did not Include Ellen and Kay, who remained riveted to their chairs for Seven whole minutes until the ambulance arrived.

In a matter of minutes, the woman with the red gingham shirt Emerged from the crowd, still gasping, and securely strapped On a gurney. Two well-trained EMS volunteers steered her to The waiting ambulance, while a third scooped up her belongings.

The last they saw of the distressed cat-burglar was as she Disappeared behind the ambulance doors,…………… The Dillard’s Bag perched on her stomach!!

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

HARD TO SAY THINGS WHEN YOU ARE DRUNK

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. No thanks, I’m married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you’re not really my type.
4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I’m not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn’t it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn’t! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I’m not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won’t make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination . I’d hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

They’re making a new XXX movie about an anorexic Irish prostitute who hops from bed to bed. Her name’s Tramp O’Lean.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Xtreme Parting Thought

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

 

Advertisements

One thought on “Xtreme Humor – Wednesday Edition 6/25/08

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s